And just when I was getting bored…
Just when I was beginning to think I’d seen and heard it all. I was ready to give up. Throw in the towel. How many times could I write about white sunglasses, bedazzled shirts, bathroom mirror pictures, bad grammar…? And then I opened my emails for the day, only to find the most amazing correspondence I’ve ever received:
“If there was a nuclear apocalypse where only Jessica Alba and I survived and we were tasked with repopulating the world I would kill myself rather than force myself to fornicate with her because I know that our offspring would look like leprosy stricken monstrosities compared to the potential ones that could be made by a heavenly blessed beauty like yourself.”
‘Speechless’ is not usually a state that I find myself in very often. But that is the only word I can come up with right now. Can I even give him credit for creativity on this one? Is he trying to be funny? While I appreciate the poetic attempt at flattery (that’s what that was, right?), it’s really close to just being downright creepy. I’m responding. With one sentence, and one sentence only.
“Dear Pussinboots321, please procreate with Jessica Alba if given the opportunity.”
Not making up that name either. If there actually was a nuclear apocalypse and ‘Pussinboots321’ and I were the only two survivors, I wouldn’t procreate with him solely based on the stupidity of his user name. Who else wouldn’t I procreate with if re-populating the world depended on it? For starters, this guy:
Who is that, you’re wondering? That would be the 71 year old man who winked at me last week. 71. You disgusting old pervert. He is so far beyond Adam Sandler’s “old…balls…..gross!” comment I can’t even think about it. It makes me want to throw up my breakfast. Eew. Eew. Eew.
Or how about this guy’s headline: “40 year old virgin!”
I get the movie reference, obviously. But that’s not even funny.
And a few more classic emails:
“I’m a very funny and fun guy. I am highly sarcastic and very whitty. I am educated and can hold a conversation in almost any topic.”
Whitty, huh? Amazing.
“Hi, I will like to talk to you and know you, please let me know if that is ok for you.”
“i noticed u were one of my matches and your pic really caught my eye. you are very attractive. how is it that u are single ?? seems like u would get lots of attention from guys. we should def get to know eachother. let me know if u are interested. hope to hear from u again soon, hun.”
Hun? What is WRONG with you!? I don’t even have to see your picture, hear your voice, or meet you in person. You have already thrown your masculinity out the window and I’m turned off. And this isn’t Twitter. Spell out the words “you” and “definitely.”
I also got this email recently:
Subject: Uh oh…
It looks like we both have the same problem… 🙂
Which is cheesy, and ridiculous. But the best part about it is that this is the second time I have received the same exact email from that guy. I responded, of course. “Hi. Just thought I would let you know you’ve already emailed me the same exact thing before. You might want to start keeping track of who you are cutting and pasting that to.”
Yeah, yeah. I’m a total b*tch. But really- have some accountability. And I’ve got some backup. I have a few girlfriends who are online dating as well, and due to my picky-ness and therefore lack of material, they are allowing me to share some of their stories. Here is a recent email I received from one of the girls:
Hung out with that guy I met online on Saturday- not sure that’s gonna go anywhere. He’s kinda dorky. Nice, but dorky. At least he’s not an OCD clean-freak like the last one. This guy is far from that, but not terrible and not the worst, but still. And I’m sorry, but when a cute gal is sitting on your couch and you’d rather “mix” music instead of hang out- not a huge fan of that. That’s cool- you like to play DJ and all (not my thing- but whatever), but really? Not cool. AND I still haven’t been asked out on a proper date yet either. SO… ‘nuf said. And picking your nose in front of someone you’re trying to impress is not a good idea. And when you’re setting up your DJ stuff at your friend’s house for a party and you don’t notice that you dropped the tent on my head- hmmmm. And there’s this annoying head rest pillow attachment on the driver’s side of the car. And the comb over attempt is poor.
I hope the fate of the world will never depend on my friend having to procreate with the nose-picking, comb-over DJ. I have higher hopes for her. As for me…
I’m going to be single forever.
*Congrats to Kobe, Durant, LeBron and the rest of Team USA for bringing home the gold. Well done guys.