Lithuanian Babies

In the aftermath of my 5th unsuccessful internet-dating disaster, I’m trying to remind myself what a good date is supposed to be like.  The website has this feature called Date Spark.  The idea is that you fill-in-the-blank with your idea of a great date.  It could help start a conversation, or maybe it could be what you actually do on your first date with someone if it gets to that point.  I haven’t filled it in on my profile yet.  And I don’t know if I can.  The story of my best-date-ever was pretty unique.  And couldn’t have been scripted more perfectly for me.  I met this guy, ‘Grant,’ through a friend of a friend.  He has one of those charismatic personalities that draws people to him instantly.  Doesn’t hurt that he’s incredibly handsome and has a voice that could be on the other end of a 1-900 number.  So Grant invites me to a football game, continuing to rack up points rapidly.

The day of the game he pulls up to my apartment and I run down to meet him.  In the car he’s got sunscreen and a visor for me.   Two things I forgot.  Thoughtful.  More points.  He’s also got a huge thermos of Jack & Coke.  What an absolute sweetheart.  You’re falling for this guy already too…right?  So we tailgate.  And we drink.  And at some point we made it to our seats.  Even though I’m having a blast and have done some damage with the Jack & Coke, I’m still being a little shy and exhibiting some stereotypical ‘girl on a first date’ behaviors.  For example, we probably had a few exchanges like this:

Him:  “Do you want to go get some dinner after the game?”
Me:  “Sure, if you want to.”
Him:  “Where do you want to go?”
Me:  “I don’t care.  I’m not picky.  Whatever you want.”
Him:  “Do you want to stay til the end of the game?”
Me:  “We don’t have to.   It’s up to you.”

Finally he put his foot down.  “Ok.  That’s it.  From now on, for the rest of the day, we are not doing anything until you start a sentence with ‘Grant, I want…’”  And that’s the way it went.  He forced me to come out of my shell and realize that not only was it ok for me have opinions, but to express them as well.  It was so fun!  For the rest of the day I had to say, “Grant I want to go get another drink.”  “Grant I want to get up and go to the bathroom.”  “Grant I want to leave and go get food.”  So we walked back to his car and proceeded to make out like teenagers.  Eventually we made it to dinner, and it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.  As it turned out, our chemistry was plutonic.  But to this day that was one of my most memorable date experiences and he is still a very close friend.

One of the things I love about Grant is that he’s a great advice giver.  Like most of my male friends, he tells the truth as opposed to girlfriends who sometimes tell you what you want to hear to spare your feelings.  He told me a story that has resonated with me ever since.  I’ll give you the disclaimer that I have no idea whether or not it’s actually true.  He said that there was a study done in Lithuania once with newborn babies.  They gave the babies everything they needed.  All the basic necessities.  They gave them bottles, changed their diapers, bathed them, and gave them medicine if they were sick.  But the one thing they never did was hold them.  And the babies died.   A horrific story.  Like I said, I have no idea if it’s true.  I have my doubts.  But it’s a strong message, and a scary one for me due to my perpetual relationship status (or lack, thereof).  Luckily I have friends like Grant who will still hold my hand and spoon with me sometimes so I won’t die like the Lithuanian babies, since…

I am going to be single forever.

TPB

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Falling Short

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I’ll let you in on a secret:  I have a crush.  Yes, me.  The picky, demanding, skeptical bachelorette is genuinely interested in someone.  But he’s not from the website.  He’s a friend of a friend.  I’ve actually met this person in real life and had several conversations with him.  He’s incredibly handsome, smart, funny, athletic, and I’m pretty sure he’s even a nice guy.  Too good to be true, right?  I think he has some baggage from a prior relationship, but let’s face it – once you’re in your 30’s, who doesn’t?  At least in this case his baggage does not include children.  Or cats.  So what’s the problem?  Apparently this guy is in to tall, blonde, stick-figure types who look like they’re going to fall over due their top-heavy, plastic surgery enhanced situations.  Which is fine.  Everyone likes something different, and we are all entitled to our own preferences.  But when it comes to the aforementioned criteria, I guess you could say I fall short.  I am never going to be that girl.  And if that’s what this crush of mine is looking for, I can’t hold it against him for not being interested in me when I am not what turns him on.  It sucks, but in the words of the ever poetic Tupac Shakur, “I ain’t mad at cha.”

Which brings me to Saturday night’s date with Filtered Guy.  <Huge sigh>.  I’d like to think I went in to it with an open mind.  As far as I’m concerned, putting on a skirt and walking in to a bar to meet a perfect stranger is making a pretty big ‘open-minded’ effort.  Last week I noticed that his profile said he was only 5’6,”  which I assumed meant 5’4” because shorter men tend to exaggerate that important piece of info.  So, I walk up to the bar/restaurant where I’m meeting him and see him outside waiting for me.  And just as if it were scripted and I was on candid camera, I find myself standing in front of him with my 5’3” frame…looking down to meet his eyes.  I was wearing flip flops, by the way.  Why, why, WHY do men lie about height?  It’s false advertising.   There is a reason that is it on dating websites as a search criteria option.  It is important to people.  Not everyone – like Nicole Kidman, for example.  She doesn’t seem to mind that Keith Urban is significantly shorter than her.  But I’m no Grace Kelly, and this dude was not exactly serenading me with Raining on Sunday.  To each their own.  It just made me really uncomfortable.  But I couldn’t walk away, so I still sat down and had a glass of wine with the guy.  And we did have a nice conversation.  We don’t have a lot in common, but there were no awkward silences.  He even ran with it when I talked about religion and politics.  Stop gasping – I don’t believe these should be taboo topics on dates.  They can be deal breakers, so why not get those opinions out in the open sooner rather than later?  For what it’s worth, the website asks you to answer religion/political affiliation questions and shows the answers on your profile.  So it’s not exactly a secret.  And it makes for much better conversation than “where did you go to school” and “how many siblings do you have.”  But the point is, as far as what I’m looking for, this guy fell short.  Literally.

It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with him.  He was very nice, and polite, and seemingly normal.  I can’t say a bad thing about him.  Just like (I’m hoping) my crush wouldn’t say a bad thing about me.  As much as I would like to force a relationship with someone who is good on paper, it just doesn’t work that way.  And once again I have to go through the awkward “let me walk you to your car” moment.  Eek.  He’s going to try to kiss me.  I know it.  But I’ve gone through this enough times that I’m starting to develop a little list of How To Say Goodnight/You’ll Never See Me Again rules:

Rule #1 – Don’t engage.  As in – don’t engage in further conversation.  Don’t ask any more questions or bring up any other topics.  Don’t ask what he’s doing the rest of the week / weekend.  That will give him the opportunity to ask you out again.  And then you’d have an additional problem.
Rule #2 – Don’t linger.  The longer you stand around trying to be polite and not dive headfirst in to your car, the longer he has to move in.  Remember from the movie Hitch that when the girl stood there playing with her keys it was supposed to be a sign that she was waiting for a kiss?  Don’t do that.
Rule #3 – Make a move.  Before he does.  Either shake his hand or give him a hug.  You are sending the message that this is what is acceptable.  You are being polite, but letting him know the evening, and the moment, are over.  If he still tries to kiss you after you hold your hand out to shake his, well, good luck with that.

What I still need to come up with is how to respond to the follow-up text message.  Especially when he’s asking you out again.  I received it the following day.  How do you politely say “I’m just not that in to you?”
“You’re a great guy, but…”
“I’m really sorry but I’m just not ready for a relationship…”
“I’m sure you’ll make someone really happy someday….”
“It’s not you, it’s me…”
UGH – why is this so difficult!?

While I’m wasting my time on drafting the perfect “Thanks, but no thanks” text:

I’m going to be single forever.

TPB

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Filters

I am still trying to figure out the method to the madness as far as how this website uses filters. When you sign up you have the ability to enter certain criteria. So naturally I filtered out all the smokers, men with kids, anyone without a picture, those outside of my min/max age range, guys that don’t have high school diplomas, etc. What I don’t understand is – the 45 year old divorcee’s with 2 kids still show up in my matches. And this guy shows up on a daily basis:

(no photo available)

So, where does the filter come in?
As far as I can tell, the only way it ‘filters’ anything is by providing two inboxes. You have a regular inbox and then a separate ‘filtered mail’ box. Any email received from someone who doesn’t meet your criteria will just go in the latter. But you can still see it, and open it, and respond to it. So… not really sure what the point is. But the point of this post is that I checked my filtered mail out of curiosity and came across a guy who is actually pretty good looking. Hmm. Why is he filtered? Oh- the cats. I must have selected to filter out guys with cats. At least he admits to having them. And I’ve gotten past that before, so what the heck. Let’s email Filtered Guy back. Here is most of the email exchange:

FG: Good Morning, Health, fitness, and home cooking are definitely on the top of my must have list too. 🙂 What’s your profession?

TPB: hopefully my answer to ‘what is your profession’ is a lot more interesting in 2 years 😉 i’m working on changing it. but for the time being its a stuffy, corporate job. i think its awesome that you are working on your own business and following whatever your passion is. thats so important. what kind of fitness things are you in to?

FG: Hi (insert name here)
For fitness I’m a regular gym goer. 4-5 days a week of weights and cardio keeps me feeling good. 🙂 What do you do to keep buff? What is this new field you are getting into for work? I definitely agree that it’s important to chase dreams.

TPB: oops, sorry. i forget that match isn’t like facebook and unless you actually sign your name people don’t know it.  what gym do you go to?  i noticed you live 40 minutes from the city. do you ever hang out closer to downtown? i used to do the gym/weights/trainer thing but it got boring and not very much fun. so now i run and go to yoga.  i’d do it every day if i could.  future profession is in the field of marriage and family therapy. my brother likes to tell me “those who can’t do – teach” 😉 such a comedian, that kid… so how long have you been attempting this? any funny dating stories?  -tpb

FG: Hi TPB! 😉
 LOL Facebook is truly rewiring our brains, isn’t it. I would love to get into yoga but can’t seem to get myself to go alone. I know what you mean about weights getting boring, so I change up what I do every month or two to keep things new. I don’t get to the city too often but I’m not opposed to it. I have met a few decent women online, but just not the right ones. I’m not ready to admit how long I have tried online dating to you, nor myself. 🙂 Why is it so hard to find a well balanced, attractive, healthy, funny woman (below 5’6″) lol.. Well I like what I see so far with you. Why don’t we grab a drink and see which one of us is funnier?

TPB: agreed. i have to visit family this weekend, so maybe the following week/weekend?  and i will answer your question with a question:
 why is it so hard to find a well balanced, attractive, healthy, funny guy – above 5’6″?
 i think if i win this comedy competition then you should come to yoga with me. and you can laugh at me while i attempt to stand on my head. and then we’ll be even. deal? 😉

I hit send, smiled to myself and thought, “Ha, I’m so creative and witty.”

Um, have I mentioned that I’m not perfect?
In my yogic quest for self-awareness, one of the things I’ve learned is that sometimes I have no filter.  I’m sarcastic, occasionally to a fault.  Oops.  After I hit send on my email, I went back to look at Filtered Guy’s profile to copy/email some pictures to my friends.  Where, to my horror, I see the actual reason his email was sent to my filtered mailbox:

Height: 5’6”
(Which we know is Online-Dating-Code for 5’4”).

Sh*t…

The next day I am expecting either a “Go F*** Yourself” email or to never hear from him again. Which I would 100% deserve.
However, I wake up to the following message in my inbox:

FG: Above 5’6″?? Only with my shoes on hehe 😉 I think I may let you win just to see you stand on your head, so deal 😉 If you’re not too busy this wed night actually I’m free.. otherwise we can figure something out when you return.

Oh wow. I’m actually going to have to meet this guy.  This short, cat-owning, emoticon-abusing, possibly platform-wearing guy.  <sigh>.  Preparing Exit Strategy.

I’m going to be single forever.

TPB

Exit Strategy

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Note to self:  Always have an exit strategy.

I am, admittedly, a skeptical single girl.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t still have hope. It doesn’t mean I’m not excited about the possibility of meeting someone new. The few dates I’ve gone on from the website were mainly out of curiosity.  What’s out there?  Will this guy actually look like he does in his pictures?  Will he be as funny as the witty profile he may or may not have written himself?  Maybe he’ll just be a cool guy and we’ll have a good time.  And we’ll end up being friends.  And he’ll have cute friends.  Or something.  The point is – I’m trying to be open and put myself out there.  My friends have even started telling me, “just go out with him so you have something to write about.” Which I want to agree with, except….

“i noticed u were one of my matches and your pic really caught my eye. you are very attractive. how is it that u are single ?? seems like u would get lots of attention from guys. we should def get to know eachother. let me know if u are interested. hope to hear from u again soon, hun.”

1) I am single for the same reason(s) every other girl on this website is single. Please refer to It’s Far From Over
2) Yes, tons of attention. From guys that use the word “def” and have a problem spelling out the word “you.”  And use words of endearment when writing to someone you’ve never met or communicated with before.  Ever.
3) I would bet my manduka that you copy and paste that intro email to every girl you write to.  Lame.

“Hi, I will like to talk to you and know you, please let me know if that is ok for you.”

…..no.

“You realize you’re supposed to play hard to get *after* we meet, not before silly… email me slowpoke. lol 🙂

I DIDN’T WINK BACK AT YOU ON AN ONLINE DATING FORUM. I AM NOT PLAYING HARD TO GET YOU MORON I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.  Perhaps I should meet this one just to, um, respond to his email.  Except the entire date would be 30 seconds long.  I’d yell at him using the previous shouty-capital statement, and then what?  I’d need an exit strategy or it would be really awkward, right?

My best friend recently got married.  It was a beautiful, perfect, flawless, fun, amazing event.  At the reception I got to meet the girl responsible for setting up the bride and groom on their first blind date.  Naturally I told her I was next.  She immediately pulls out her phone and scrolls through her Facebook friends to look for prospects.  She finds one pretty quickly, but he doesn’t have many up close pictures available.  They are doing some kind of pub crawl in 2 weeks and she tells me I should come and he’s really great and it will be fun.  Ok, I’m in.  Why not?

So Saturday night I show up to meet this girl and her party.  She introduces me to “Billy” and within 3 seconds I know it’s not going any further.  But that’s fine; I can still have a conversation with the guy right?  Usually I can at least default to talking about sports.  …Unless the guy doesn’t like sports?  Like any of them.  Like at all.  Which I find odd.  So we proceeded to have the standard, cliché “where are you from, what do you do” chat.  Boring.  Uneventful.  And getting more awkward by the second. Our matchmaker had obviously told both of us this was some kind of set up and it was becoming blatantly apparent we weren’t connecting, which resulted in the awkward silence that makes dating so unappealing.  And also something that is hard to accomplish in a crowded bar that’s playing music.  I want to get out, but I don’t want to be rude to our matchmaker friend.  He finally relieves me by saying, “Ya know – I think we’d be good friends.”  While I give him credit for addressing the fact that we don’t like each other, I was so tempted to say “Really? What makes you think that?” But instead I smile and try to make it funny and tell him this was like speed dating but without the option of jumping to the next chair in 60 seconds.  At this point the matchmaker is nowhere in sight.  I shake his hand, tell him to have a good night, and exit faster than LeBron ripped off his Cavs jersey after the infamous game 6 in Boston.

Yeah… I’m going to be single forever.

TPB

What A Girl Wants

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It has been brought to my attention that perhaps I focus too much on the negative.  i.e.:  This guy has cats, this guy has bad teeth, this guys has kids, etc.  I prefer to call it “weeding out,” but I understand where the lectures are coming from.  I have to tell you though, when I sign on to the website and have pictures like this staring me in the face, the words that come to mind do not include “potential,” “promising,” or “possibility.”

 

Other immediate turn-offs include the following:

Are you going to want to ride this more than me?   Hmmm….

 

Unless you are at a Texas football game, this is an unnecessary gesture.

Always the fish…….. I just don’t get it………..

This is one of hundreds of examples I had to choose from.  Somewhere along the way guys were given the advice that even if you don’t have children of your own, you should put pictures of yourself with other people’s children to make you look more…. I don’t even know… marketable?  I find it more disturbing than endearing.

…..<speechless>……

Even Paul Pierce failed to make “Tebow-ing” look cool last week.  So I don’t mean to sound negative, but what other reaction can you possibly have when these pictures speak louder than words?  And you excitedly check your internet-dating email only to find that the lone message in your inbox is from someone who calls himself ‘dumbjerk’ ?

All of this begs the question – what DO I want?  At some point in time every woman asks herself this question; and in the deepest, darkest parts of our souls we know the answer.  And everyone’s answer is different.  Can you imagine if we all wanted the same exact thing?  Poor David Beckham would have to live out the rest of his days in some secret undetectable underground lair.  I’m kidding.  Sort of.  I’m sure there are women out there who don’t find him to be the most appealing man alive.  (To those women… perhaps you did not watch this year’s superbowl commercials): 

But this is what I find fascinating.  Unless you were Posh Spice in a former life, you realize that the expectation of ending up with David Beckham is a bit…  farfetched.  However, we still know deep down what it is we really want.  What will truly make us happy.  Sometimes we don’t even admit these things to our friends.  Even worse, sometimes we don’t let ourselves accept them.  I had a girlfriend tell me once, “I just would never date a school teacher because they don’t make enough money.”  And ya know what?  I admire her for her honesty.  Because there are some women who think those things but just won’t admit them.  And they end up settling.  They say things like, “I want someone who’s nice that I can trust who will treat me well….”  Blah, blah.  Obviously I don’t want to be with a mean person, but nice by itself doesn’t give me an orgasm.  And on my list of priorities, that’s pretty high up there.  Attraction is important.  If you are not attracted to your partner, at some point in this lifetime unless you are a hermit you will run in to someone who you are attracted to.  Guess what happens then…..?

That may sound shallow to some, but I’m the only person who has to wake up every morning next to the person I choose to be with.  I think we all have a right to be picky about that decision.  If you’re looking for someone who makes 7 figures regardless of how he looks, how old he is, or how many wives he’s gone through, knock yourself out.  Maybe you truly only care that someone will be a good dad and you’re willing to be the breadwinner.  Maybe you want the most chivalrous person on the planet, a guy with a specific religious orientation, or a military man because the uniform turns you on (and you can use his discounts)… whatever your thing is – I say hold out for it.  Don’t settle.  But be open-minded.  Maybe something totally unexpected will come along.  We know Charlotte from SATC wasn’t spending her nights dreaming of a short, fat, bald guy who drips with sweat at inappropriate times.  In my dreams I picture myself with a taller guy who has nice teeth and fantastic hands, who likes sports and has a stupid sense of humor, who is willing be my biggest supporter as I attempt to change careers, who can cook (or at least be ok with the fact that I don’t).  These are all compromise-able things though.  And I’ve met a heck of a lot of guys who are good-on-paper as far as that list.  But they’re missing that one critical component.  The thing I want above all else.  Call it butterflies, call it chemistry, call it the X-factor.  I guess part of me believes in the cliché saying “you just know.”  Looks fade over time, I get that.  This is something more.  I want to still want to hold my husband’s hand when we’re 90.  When I think of settling just so I can avoid the sleeping-alone nights that suck, my inner goddess (ala Anastasia Steele) screams “I won’t, I won’t, I won’t!”  Even if it means….

I’m going to be single forever.

TPB

Cat Magnet

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I am a firm believer that lying and withholding the truth are equal evils.

I realize that everyone is not going to disclose every detail about themselves on one page of an internet dating profile.  But there are key questions that the website prompts you to answer that are somewhat significant.  Personal information that can’t/won’t change, and that is probably not up for debate or compromise.  For example, age and height.  You’d have to just be dumb to try to lie about either of these.  But people do.  What happens when we eventually meet face-to-face?  Um, unless you’re wearing Prince-like platforms, I’m probably going to notice that you’re interpretation of 6 feet tall is actually 5’8” according to English measurement standards.  Religion is another one of these questions.  Personally I don’t have a preference because it’s not a big part of my life, but I know that for a lot of my friends it can be a major deal breaker.  How about marital status?  Single, separated, divorced, widowed…. kind of important.  And the kids question.  This is one category of prospects that I prefer to steer clear of.  For a number of reasons.  But the point is – these are things that should be disclosed upfront. These are significant factors about a person and if they are attempting to lie or not admit to them at all, I seriously question why.

So I organized date #4.  (After all this time has it really only been 4?)  I told him the only day I was free was Saturday, and he said he was busy.  Well, fit me in anyway Casanova.  It actually worked out well because we decided to meet for an afternoon drink in between him helping a friend move and going to a professional sports game later that night.  Which means I already had an out, because he’d have to leave either way.  To be honest I wasn’t even looking forward to it.  I was bored, needed writing material, and was thinking that I might at least end up with (yet another) male friend.  It took me approximately 2.3 seconds after he walked in the door to say, “nope.”  Don’t worry; I didn’t say it out loud.  But I tried to keep an open mind.  I could at least have a conversation with the guy, right?  And then he opened his mouth.  It wasn’t what he said, which was mostly dry and unentertaining.  It was the fact that he had bad teeth.  How did I not notice that in his pictures???  Ooooh right.  Because he used the closed-mouth smile.  Sneaky.  So I’m not attracted to him, and our conversation is cliché.  ‘Where did you go to school, tell me about your job, where have you traveled, what sports do you like, etc., etc.’  I’m tired.  I just want to leave.  And I’m reminded of something one of my very best friends used to tell me when she was internet dating as often as ESPN mentions the name Tim Tebow.  I would tell her, “at least you are putting yourself out there.”  And she would say, “every time I’m stuck with one of these d-bag guys I think of how much I’d rather just be drinking wine with you.”  But she’s engaged now.  And we’re happy for her.

Moving on – I think I’m getting out of this ‘date’ when he orders a second beer.  Which means I need a second glass of wine if I’m going to have to sit here and make conversation for another 30 minutes.  Which also means I have to find ways to amuse myself.  So I start probing him for good stories about his internet dating experiences.  That goes nowhere.  I tell him some of mine just for something to talk about.  I laugh and jokingly ask, “you don’t have cats, do you?”  He responds with a deer-in-headlights expression.  Oh Lord.  Really???  Another guy with cats!?  Now I’m laughing hysterically and looking for the candid-cameras that I’m sure I’m surrounded by.  There cannot possibly be that many single men with cats in this world.  How is it that every guy I’ve managed to meet has them!?  There was an IT guy from last year, the guy who lived with his parents, the guy from the wedding who lived out of state, the guy who shaves his cats like lions, the volleyball guy with cats… come ON!  But what really pissed me off was that nowhere on this dudes profile did it mention having pets of any kind.  Are you embarrassed that you have them?  And if you’re not willing to tell me that, what else aren’t you willing to tell me?  Oh – and he let me split the check with him.  I was going to let that go because he probably figured out there wasn’t going to be a date #2 so he could throw chivalry out the window.  But he texted me about 2 hours later saying, “I forgot that what I hate about coming to these games is that the beers are so expensive!”

I was really tempted to write back, “Well at least you can afford it since you didn’t have to pay for my drinks this afternoon  🙂  Meow”

I am going to be single forever.

TPB

Always a Bridesmaid

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I have a tentative date this weekend, but other than that I have no online dating updates for you.  I’m kind of over it.  They’re all the same, and not my type.  The guys that I wink at who look promising don’t respond.  Maybe because they’re not even active anymore?  Or maybe because my hair isn’t blonde and my boobs are real?  Who knows.  But the one thing I do know is that if I ever find The One, we’re getting married in a courthouse and spending a week in Barbados doing only one thing.  Well, maybe two.  Being on beach vacations makes me crave margaritas so we may have to pause for a drink.

Last weekend I was a bridesmaid in my best friend’s wedding.  We live in different states now, so I got out of the bridal shower and bachelorette party obligations.  I’m sorry-  I love my friends, but I don’t ever need to drink out of a straw shaped like a pen!s.  I am not interested in wearing a button that says “Kiss Me I’m Still Single!”  And I find it really uncomfortable to walk around in public in a group of 15 girls following around a girl wearing a veil and a sash and asking random men in bars for a condom because it’s something on some stupid list that she’s supposed to complete on her “last night out as a single girl.”   Really?  That’s how you want to spend your last night out before you get married?  I question your judgment.  And perhaps your sanity.  And I question my own sanity as to why I continue to go to bridal showers.  Again, I love my friends and I’m truly happy for them when they get engaged.  But I don’t need to watch you open pots and pans, strainers, and new bed sheets, and new forks.  What were you using before!??  And how on Earth do they manage to act surprised and excited when they open these gifts, since they picked them out themselves to put them on the registry in the first place!?  None of these traditions make any sense to me.  If I get married, we can all drink out of the new wine glasses you’ll buy for me.  (You can never have enough of those, right?).  But I won’t make you watch me rip the wrapping paper off the box they came in first.

Maybe the good thing about being the last of your friends to get married is that you learn a lot about how to do things, and things not to do.  You learn that some things require way too much time, money, and effort, and the things that actually are important get lost in the process.  You learn that ‘the little details’ that are important only to the bride and that she stresses over for months prior to the day end up going unnoticed by everyone.  Including her.  Because on the big day she’s too busy saying hello and goodbye to all her guests and posing for pictures to notice what kind of flowers are in the centerpieces.  I’ll tell you what I noticed though.  My dress.  Which was purple.  Apparently the actual color is “Lapis,” but I refuse to refer to it as such.  It was PURPLE.  Complete with purple shoes.  As in – I looked like a giant purple crayon.  And the dress ripped before the ceremony even started.  No – not because I ate too much at the rehearsal dinner.  It ripped because I may have been attempting to do squats is the brides room before the wedding because the church was freezing and I was stuck in a strapless dress without the option of putting on a sweater.  It seemed like a practical idea at the time.  And we all know it doesn’t really matter because I’ll never wear the dress again.  Ever.  I also feel like the popular saying that “rain on your wedding day is a sign of good luck” is really just something made up to say to the bride when it rains on her wedding day to talk her down off the ledge.  Because it just really sucks.  In order to try to save some money my friend decided to make her own wedding favors.  She baked hundreds of little cookies to put them in tiny boxes and bought ribbon to tie bows on the boxes.  Guess what she and I did the day before the wedding?  Yup.  Spent 3 hours putting them all together.  Ya know what I’m not doing the day before my wedding?  That.  Nor would I subject any of my friends to such nonsense.  But my friend did decide to spend money on a DJ.  She had a small wedding so it ended up being really pointless.  Even for larger weddings though, why not just make your own playlist on itunes and plug it in to some speakers?  Oh – I’m forgetting the best part.! Single bridesmaids are usually curious about the groomsmen they are going to be paired up with.  I was told before the fact that I would not be interested in any of them, as they were all smokers and half of them were married anyway.  All true.  There was even a particular single one who looked like he was homeless.  Amazing.  Guess who got paired up with him?

I’m going to be single forever.

TPB

Some day, Barbados…. Some day….

I Want My Money Back

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I want my money back.

Last night I got the following email, prefaced by this opening line by “The Website”
Just so you know, this is BeachGuy21’s only VIP Email  of the week, and he chose to send it to you!

Ooh.  VIP Email.  What’s this all about?  I guess I’m supposed to feel special.  But I’ll let you decide.  Here it is.  As always, verbatim minus locations:

Hi there!

Well I hope your day is going very well for you. I really enjoyed your profile. You seem like a very honest, sincere, good-hearted, and down to earth person. Here is a lil about me… I am 31 yrs old originally from the midwest but grew up in the south. I work in property management and in the process of obtaining my real estate license to go along with my CAM license for management. I recently had to step down from coaching baseball (which is a passion of mine) to focus on my career more.

Like any guy and I really into sports. I grew up playing baseball through little league, high school, college, and was lucky enough to play a few year of professional ball in a minor league system. I pretty much enjoy most sports, love to go to any sporting event. I love to play golf and baseball (still). Right now I play in an adult softball league twice a week. Other then sports I enjoy music and going to concerts. I love to go to low key bars and listen to some live music. I also enjoy boating, fishing, chillen by the pool, shopping, BBQs, family, naps, relaxing, traveling. I am always up for new things and getting out of my comfort zones.

I am say I am a very ambitious person with it comes to my career and relationships in live. I am a huge family man and hope to have one of my own one day. I am a very easy going laid back person with old fashion manners and family values. Well I think that is enough of this long winded email lol. But I would love to hear you and get to know more about you. Hope I was able to spark your interest a bit, and hope to hear back from you 🙂

After getting past the grammatical errors and use of the world “lil” by someone who allegedly has a pen!s, I couldn’t help myself.  I responded with this:
“Do you get many responses from your ‘VIP’ emails? This is the first time I’ve seen one of these (so i think i’m supposed to be flattered?) but it looks like just a form email that you cut and paste. Is that how it works?”

His response:
“Well to be honest is all I did was send you an email and match put it in the format for some reason. No clue on how to even put an email in this VIP thing. I actually would expect to to be flattered by it at all. I don’t really see the difference between it and a regular email.  I emailed you because I thought you seemed a cool gal worth getting to know. If the feeling is not mutual then there is nothing I can do and wish ya all the luck.”

Wow.  Apparently I need luck finding a guy who uses spell check.  And wow, the shady website strikes again.  What a joke.  They let guys write these generic form emails that say nothing personal what-so-ever, or even imply in the slightest way that they looked at your profile, and then they send to you as his ‘VIP’ pick for the week.   That’s about as flattering as the kid in the check-out line at the grocery store last week who told me I looked 26.  When I said, “thanks!” he said, “well I know you always guess younger.”    …<sigh>

Also of note this week is that I got matched with a guy that one of my friends already tried to set me up with 2 months ago.  Under the pets category, he answered only “I like dogs.”  Really?  You didn’t feel the need to disclose that you have two cats?  And you shave them so that they look like lions….?   Yup.  True story.  I couldn’t make that up if I tried.  It’s also a perfect example of false advertising.  How many times do we have to stress that withholding the truth and lying are the same thing?

I also got matched with a guy who is the brother of a new friend of mine.  She and her husband just moved here from out of state, and we met through mutual friends at our gym.  Her brother is ridiculously good looking, and apparently quite smart and quite normal.  So I winked at him.  And he viewed my profile.  And did not wink back or email.  Great.  That won’t be awkward when I meet him in person, which is pretty much inevitable.  I’m totally ready for a refund.

I’m going to be single forever.
TPB

The Blog Made Me Do It

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In keeping with the crazy theme, I did another crazy thing.

But this time it was 100% intentional.  It was not something I would normally ever do, and I knew it was ridiculous as I was doing it.  But I thought – hey, I can write about it, and it could be a really funny story.  And if anyone ever calls me out on my crazy-ness, I can just say, “the blog made me do it.”  It was for entertainment and research purposes.  The blog gives me an excuse to do things. It’s like my own version of liquid-courage… without the extra calories.  I kinda like this idea.

I’ve gone to the same gym for about 8 years.  In that time, it’s gotten me a whopping two dates and a lot of good friends.  Time for a change, perhaps.  So I cancelled my membership.  Last week it officially ended.  And on the last day I was there, working on sprint intervals like a crazy-person at 6am, listening to Kelly Clarkson tell me that what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, I happened to zone in on a guy that I usually see most mornings.  He was doing some ab exercises and just happened to lift his shirt to wipe off his face at the exact time I looked over.  Um, when did this guy that I’ve seen 100 times before become sexy?  Perfect timing for me to decide to be interested, seeing as how this was my last day in that gym and I’d probably never see him again.  What to do…?  The only thing a sane, slightly bored, blog-writing single girl should do.  Write your name and number on a post it, and tell the girl at the front desk to give it to him.  (I told her to ask if he was single first, of course).  She looked at me like I was insane.  Its been a few days and I have no idea if she actually did it or not.  I guess I’ll know if I get a random call or text from someone named Will.  Which, by the way, is the only thing I know about him.

Over the weekend I was at my favorite non-chain coffee shop doing some homework and minding my own business.  The only table left was a slightly bigger one, but I needed the room for my ipad, laptop, and textbook so I took it.  About 30 minutes after I started working, this old man rode in and asked if he could park at my table.  Yes, rode in.  He was in one of those electronic wheelchair contraptions.  Of course I told him he could.  He was so old and innocent and I felt bad for him.  But I really had a lot to do and was clearly trying to focus, and he wanted to chat.  He asked me a few questions and I answered politely but briefly.  He told me he was 70 years old, separated from his wife, and had two daughters around my age who were successful but lived away from him.  He wouldn’t stop talking and I didn’t want to be rude so I had to get up and leave or I was never going to get anything done.  As I was throwing my bag over my shoulder he says, “so, can I buy you a glass of wine sometime?”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a book out that my friends keep ‘suggesting’ that I read.  It’s called The Year of Yes.  Apparently it is about a single girl who is told she might be “too picky.”  So she agrees that for 1 year she will say yes to any person who asks her out on a date.  Rich, poor, short, tall, young, old.  It sounds like an interesting concept that could make for some good stories and help me keep an open mind.  And I’m getting really in to using the blog as an excuse to do things I normally wouldn’t.  But I looked this old man in the face and just said “no.”  No excuse, no reasons.  Just no.  I’d rather sit home alone every Friday night for the next year waiting for Will to call.

I’m going to be single forever.

TPB

Hide the Crazy, 2

Part 2

My friend Joel is an incredibly talented song writer.  (He also has biceps of steel).   When he gets his a$s in gear and develops a website or Facebook page I’ll give you the link.  But until then, he’s letting me share some of the lyrics to my 2nd favorite song:

“Crazy girl, crazy girl
Just go home
Why you in my window?
And why you on my phone?
You tell me you love me
You’re everywhere I roam
Crazy girl, crazy girl
Just go home…”

I love it.  The song goes on to talk about how she makes a voodoo doll of him and stalks him when he’s on dates with other people.  Yeah, yeah.  We get it.  Girls are crazy.  And some of us don’t hide it.  But like we discussed in Part 1 – it’s because you make us that way.  I could have this conversation all day.  But the more important question is: why doesn’t anyone ever talk about guys that do crazy sh*t?  I know you don’t think it’s because they don’t

Case in point #1.  I just got a wink from a guy that goes to my gym.  Seemingly harmless, but he’s gone to my gym for 7 years.  He’s asked me out before – in person.  Incidentally he’s also hit on and asked out every other girl in our gym without a ring on her finger for the past 7 years.   (All those hours on the stair climber allow for a lot of observation).  So… if I turned you down in person and I continue to ignore you, walk the other way, or politely put my headphones back in my ears any time you are within a 10 foot radius of me, what makes you think I am going to wink back at you on the internet!?   YOU are going to be single forever, sir.

Case in point #2.  I would not have believed it if I had not seen it myself.  Guess who winked at me today???  Oh yes.  Our very favorite, creeper-extrordinaire –  TwinkleToes.  Several things here.  First of all, I did not engage in conversation with you 6 months ago, nor did I show even the slightest amount of interest.  Any of the 14 times you tried to wink at, email, or IM me.  What in this person’s mind makes him think I’ve changed my mind?  Because I’m still on here 6 months later so I’m that much more desperate that he might have a shot now?  I don’t know if this rational sounds worse for him… or for me….  (BTW – stay tuned for a post about the relationship between desperation and online-dating.  It’s coming).   But second, and more importantly, you remember that I BLOCKED THIS PERSON FROM CONTACTING ME, right??  WTF website!!!!!!   If encouraging stalking is something that you promote, then I think we’ve got a potential lawsuit here.  And it just so happens I know a lot of lawyers.  NOT including TwinkleToes.

And #3.  Because I know you’ve been on the edge of your chair wondering if I ever got an answer as to how I got Busted.  Why yes, yes I did.  A 1,120 word essay, to be exact.  As much as I wanted to copy/paste the whole thing it was just too long.  Here are the more relevant paragraphs.  You’llLikeThis:

“And how I made the connection between your blog and your profile on here had nothing to do with your pictures, Facebook, or any of your friends. In case you were curious, I don’t know your real name, your address, your phone number, your social security number, etc. And don’t worry, your top-secret, anonymous, online-dating identity is safe with me. I’m not gonna tell anybody. Because if everyone could link ThePerpetualBachelorette and your profile together, you may stop writing it. And that would be a crying shame!

Okay, just so you don’t think I’m a terribly scary stalker or a psychotic serial killer, here’s the long, sordid tale of how I made the connection:

I discovered your blog late last year. I was reading an article on fitness and nutrition on a magazine’s website. I then saw a link on that page for an article about online dating. Naturally, I clicked over since I was familiar with that circus. In the comments section after that article, people were recommending some of their favorite blogs on this subject. Yours was one of them.

After reading some of your hilarious stories about all of the interaction you had with so many, um, “soul mates” and “Prince Charmings” who were badgering you on here, I got very curious. I thought it would be quite entertaining to view some of their profiles because they would surely read like a guide on what not to do. I figured you were on match.com based on how you were describing your experience with the site in your blog. And even though you mentioned that you altered their screen names, I thought it was worth a shot to crack your code because uproarious comedic material was bound to be on the other side. It didn’t take me long. After changing the “zero” to the letter “o” in one of them, I got one to hit. Um, how are you not engaged to this a$sclown yet? Didn’t he have you at “lol I can honestly say i dont read unless its on Facebook or a car magazine” in his Last Read section?!? Yes, I was laughing pretty hard at his profile.

I certainly wasn’t expecting to find you on here, but after perusing a couple dozen profiles for sh*ts and giggles, I stumbled upon yours as luck would have it. At first, I didn’t make the connection. But after reading your profile and rereading your username, it hit me, especially because I read your blog entry, “Oh Na Na . . . What’s My Name?” shortly before all of this. And I remembered you saying how much you loved sports, yoga, and wine and how you can’t cook in your blog. All of that was also referenced in your profile here. So, I had a hunch it was you. To find out for sure, I did email you then. But when I didn’t receive a reply, I thought that my hunch was wrong or you simply canceled your match.com subscription and never received it.

And then last week I saw that you had viewed my profile. My guess is that I showed up in your “Who’s Viewed Me” section from when I stumbled upon your profile months ago, and you then clicked over and saw my outlandish profile. That’s when I brought up ThePerpetualBachelorette and discovered that you included my opening line in your blog from March 8. My hunch was finally confirmed . . . 3 months later. And, of course, I just had to let you know!”

I…. am speechless.  My friends and I are trying to decide if he’s crazy, slightly stalker-ish (despite his plea to the contrary), or just really, really bored.  Either way I have to admit I found it flattering.  And I also have to admit that I’m spending way more time writing this blog than I am responding to emails from guys who might actually be prospects.  So give me a few days to work on that.  Otherwise:

I’m  going to be single forever…

TPB