When you’ve been single as long as I have, you start to question yourself. Geez, is it me? Am I not skinny enough, pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, or young enough? Is it because I’ve never mastered the art of walking in high heels? Because I’m fashion challenged? Because I’m culinary challenged? Is it that big of a deal that I use my oven for storage and don’t own a food processor? Am I really quirky and weird and my friends just don’t want to tell me? It doesn’t help that they are repeatedly telling me that I’m too picky. So… what you’re saying is… I need to lower my standards? Thanks for the support and vote of confidence. Nothing like kicking the ego when it’s down. So I’ve been struggling with this self-doubt lately. No one is perfect. Myself included, obviously, given the above self-disclosure. But am I being overly critical of these guys? Is it really me???

And the universe answers with a big, bold, ABSOLUTELY NOT reminder. In the form a match email, literally titled ‘Standing Out From The Crowd.’

“Please decode the secret message…

7-9-22-5 /
20-8-9-19 /
18-15-13-1-14-20-9-3 /
7-21-25 /
1 /
3-8-1-14-3-5! ////

A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4 E=5 F=6 G=7 H=8 I=9 J=10
K=11 L=12 M=13 N=14 O=15 P=16 Q=17 R=18 S=19 T=20
U=21 V=22 W=23 X=24 Y=25 Z=26

Just a corny attempt at being different… Don’t hold it against me!
-Cornyguy”

Simply amazing. I won’t spoil the fun for you. Go ahead. Decode away. Just know that, for several reasons, Cornyguy is not getting a response from me. Even though I’d like to email him and thank him for the reminder that my standards are just fine, and not in need of adjustment.

And next in the inbox:
“Hi. I’m George. Your interest are similar to mine. I’m laid back. I volunteer with animals. Whats your name?”

Really? Well, George, I’m ‘curious.’ If you actually read my profile and believe that we have similar interests, why wouldn’t you comment on what one of those similar interests might be? Because nowhere in my profile does it say I have, want, work with, or even like animals.

And third in the inbox:
“I like yor profile, you seem really cool.”

Well… duh. Tell me something I don’t know. But literally, word for word, that’s all it said. Not only did he not take the time to tell me anything about himself, ask me anything else about myself, or even type the word ‘Hi,’ he couldn’t even take the time to proofread the 8 words he actually typed.

I also received a wink from someone who calls himself ‘diaperboy88.’ For the love of G0d. I don’t care if you are the inventor of Huggies and are a billionaire, what on Earth would possess you to choose that as a username? I mean, you’d be better off calling yourself “Ihave$$$” and then telling me why later. I am not a gold-digger by any means, but seriously isn’t the point of this to appeal to the opposite sex? There are only a few mental images that the word ‘diapers’ bring up, and none of them are attractive. And speaking of unattractive, ‘diaperboy88’ weighs approximately 400 pounds. Just… eew. None of my friends have 400 pound husbands, so can we agree that this particular ‘standard’ of mine is not outrageous?

I’ve been told I fall for guys who are emotionally unavailable. I can’t really help that, can I? When I see a guy I find attractive, it’s not like his emotional availability is tattooed on his forehead. (That would be totally convenient though, right?) Even when using an online forum where he is required to describe himself, it’s not like he’s going to spell that out for you. However, I think I may have made a connection recently while attempting to call someone out on his availability. This guy, we’ll call him Mr. Worldwide, winked at me a few weeks ago. I looked through his profile and all the initial criteria were met. He’s cute, and claims to be tall enough that even if he was lying by a few inches he’d still be taller than me in heels. He’s educated and his writing seems to support that. He likes sports and seems to take care of himself physically. Nice teeth, no kids, non-smoker, only 2 years difference in our ages. Good stuff. But something in his profile made me roll my eyes. One line says, “Don’t think I’m in much of a position for a normal relationship, but maybe you’ll change that.” Of course. Let me guess: you want to be a bachelor-for-life. You want some kind of ‘open’ relationship, or you require threesomes, or you want to make sure I understand you never, ever want to get married, have children, or cohabitate. So I sent him a very brief email. Something along the lines of, “Please expand on what you mean by not looking for a ‘normal’ relationship.”

He responded with something good-natured, polite, and thorough. I can’t find it otherwise I’d cut/paste, but he started by explaining his job. Apparently he travels (worldwide) for extended periods of time. He told me a little bit about how he ended up doing what he does and a little about his family and background. But ended by saying that he wrote that he wasn’t in a position for a ‘normal’ relationship because he usually won’t be home in time for dinner. To which I hastily replied, “Perfect! I don’t cook dinner!” And we’ve been emailing ever since. (It’s not me!!!) And to be fair, it’s not ‘them’ either. It’s OK to have standards, whatever they may be. Everyone should. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to find compatibility. Maybe I’ll find it with Mr. Worldwide when he’s back in town. Until then…

I’m going to be single forever.

TPB

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