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I’ll let you in on a secret:  I have a crush.  Yes, me.  The picky, demanding, skeptical bachelorette is genuinely interested in someone.  But he’s not from the website.  He’s a friend of a friend.  I’ve actually met this person in real life and had several conversations with him.  He’s incredibly handsome, smart, funny, athletic, and I’m pretty sure he’s even a nice guy.  Too good to be true, right?  I think he has some baggage from a prior relationship, but let’s face it – once you’re in your 30’s, who doesn’t?  At least in this case his baggage does not include children.  Or cats.  So what’s the problem?  Apparently this guy is in to tall, blonde, stick-figure types who look like they’re going to fall over due their top-heavy, plastic surgery enhanced situations.  Which is fine.  Everyone likes something different, and we are all entitled to our own preferences.  But when it comes to the aforementioned criteria, I guess you could say I fall short.  I am never going to be that girl.  And if that’s what this crush of mine is looking for, I can’t hold it against him for not being interested in me when I am not what turns him on.  It sucks, but in the words of the ever poetic Tupac Shakur, “I ain’t mad at cha.”

Which brings me to Saturday night’s date with Filtered Guy.  <Huge sigh>.  I’d like to think I went in to it with an open mind.  As far as I’m concerned, putting on a skirt and walking in to a bar to meet a perfect stranger is making a pretty big ‘open-minded’ effort.  Last week I noticed that his profile said he was only 5’6,”  which I assumed meant 5’4” because shorter men tend to exaggerate that important piece of info.  So, I walk up to the bar/restaurant where I’m meeting him and see him outside waiting for me.  And just as if it were scripted and I was on candid camera, I find myself standing in front of him with my 5’3” frame…looking down to meet his eyes.  I was wearing flip flops, by the way.  Why, why, WHY do men lie about height?  It’s false advertising.   There is a reason that is it on dating websites as a search criteria option.  It is important to people.  Not everyone – like Nicole Kidman, for example.  She doesn’t seem to mind that Keith Urban is significantly shorter than her.  But I’m no Grace Kelly, and this dude was not exactly serenading me with Raining on Sunday.  To each their own.  It just made me really uncomfortable.  But I couldn’t walk away, so I still sat down and had a glass of wine with the guy.  And we did have a nice conversation.  We don’t have a lot in common, but there were no awkward silences.  He even ran with it when I talked about religion and politics.  Stop gasping – I don’t believe these should be taboo topics on dates.  They can be deal breakers, so why not get those opinions out in the open sooner rather than later?  For what it’s worth, the website asks you to answer religion/political affiliation questions and shows the answers on your profile.  So it’s not exactly a secret.  And it makes for much better conversation than “where did you go to school” and “how many siblings do you have.”  But the point is, as far as what I’m looking for, this guy fell short.  Literally.

It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with him.  He was very nice, and polite, and seemingly normal.  I can’t say a bad thing about him.  Just like (I’m hoping) my crush wouldn’t say a bad thing about me.  As much as I would like to force a relationship with someone who is good on paper, it just doesn’t work that way.  And once again I have to go through the awkward “let me walk you to your car” moment.  Eek.  He’s going to try to kiss me.  I know it.  But I’ve gone through this enough times that I’m starting to develop a little list of How To Say Goodnight/You’ll Never See Me Again rules:

Rule #1 – Don’t engage.  As in – don’t engage in further conversation.  Don’t ask any more questions or bring up any other topics.  Don’t ask what he’s doing the rest of the week / weekend.  That will give him the opportunity to ask you out again.  And then you’d have an additional problem.
Rule #2 – Don’t linger.  The longer you stand around trying to be polite and not dive headfirst in to your car, the longer he has to move in.  Remember from the movie Hitch that when the girl stood there playing with her keys it was supposed to be a sign that she was waiting for a kiss?  Don’t do that.
Rule #3 – Make a move.  Before he does.  Either shake his hand or give him a hug.  You are sending the message that this is what is acceptable.  You are being polite, but letting him know the evening, and the moment, are over.  If he still tries to kiss you after you hold your hand out to shake his, well, good luck with that.

What I still need to come up with is how to respond to the follow-up text message.  Especially when he’s asking you out again.  I received it the following day.  How do you politely say “I’m just not that in to you?”
“You’re a great guy, but…”
“I’m really sorry but I’m just not ready for a relationship…”
“I’m sure you’ll make someone really happy someday….”
“It’s not you, it’s me…”
UGH – why is this so difficult!?

While I’m wasting my time on drafting the perfect “Thanks, but no thanks” text:

I’m going to be single forever.

TPB

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