I have a tentative date this weekend, but other than that I have no online dating updates for you. I’m kind of over it. They’re all the same, and not my type. The guys that I wink at who look promising don’t respond. Maybe because they’re not even active anymore? Or maybe because my hair isn’t blonde and my boobs are real? Who knows. But the one thing I do know is that if I ever find The One, we’re getting married in a courthouse and spending a week in Barbados doing only one thing. Well, maybe two. Being on beach vacations makes me crave margaritas so we may have to pause for a drink.
Last weekend I was a bridesmaid in my best friend’s wedding. We live in different states now, so I got out of the bridal shower and bachelorette party obligations. I’m sorry- I love my friends, but I don’t ever need to drink out of a straw shaped like a pen!s. I am not interested in wearing a button that says “Kiss Me I’m Still Single!” And I find it really uncomfortable to walk around in public in a group of 15 girls following around a girl wearing a veil and a sash and asking random men in bars for a condom because it’s something on some stupid list that she’s supposed to complete on her “last night out as a single girl.” Really? That’s how you want to spend your last night out before you get married? I question your judgment. And perhaps your sanity. And I question my own sanity as to why I continue to go to bridal showers. Again, I love my friends and I’m truly happy for them when they get engaged. But I don’t need to watch you open pots and pans, strainers, and new bed sheets, and new forks. What were you using before!?? And how on Earth do they manage to act surprised and excited when they open these gifts, since they picked them out themselves to put them on the registry in the first place!? None of these traditions make any sense to me. If I get married, we can all drink out of the new wine glasses you’ll buy for me. (You can never have enough of those, right?). But I won’t make you watch me rip the wrapping paper off the box they came in first.
Maybe the good thing about being the last of your friends to get married is that you learn a lot about how to do things, and things not to do. You learn that some things require way too much time, money, and effort, and the things that actually are important get lost in the process. You learn that ‘the little details’ that are important only to the bride and that she stresses over for months prior to the day end up going unnoticed by everyone. Including her. Because on the big day she’s too busy saying hello and goodbye to all her guests and posing for pictures to notice what kind of flowers are in the centerpieces. I’ll tell you what I noticed though. My dress. Which was purple. Apparently the actual color is “Lapis,” but I refuse to refer to it as such. It was PURPLE. Complete with purple shoes. As in – I looked like a giant purple crayon. And the dress ripped before the ceremony even started. No – not because I ate too much at the rehearsal dinner. It ripped because I may have been attempting to do squats is the brides room before the wedding because the church was freezing and I was stuck in a strapless dress without the option of putting on a sweater. It seemed like a practical idea at the time. And we all know it doesn’t really matter because I’ll never wear the dress again. Ever. I also feel like the popular saying that “rain on your wedding day is a sign of good luck” is really just something made up to say to the bride when it rains on her wedding day to talk her down off the ledge. Because it just really sucks. In order to try to save some money my friend decided to make her own wedding favors. She baked hundreds of little cookies to put them in tiny boxes and bought ribbon to tie bows on the boxes. Guess what she and I did the day before the wedding? Yup. Spent 3 hours putting them all together. Ya know what I’m not doing the day before my wedding? That. Nor would I subject any of my friends to such nonsense. But my friend did decide to spend money on a DJ. She had a small wedding so it ended up being really pointless. Even for larger weddings though, why not just make your own playlist on itunes and plug it in to some speakers? Oh – I’m forgetting the best part.! Single bridesmaids are usually curious about the groomsmen they are going to be paired up with. I was told before the fact that I would not be interested in any of them, as they were all smokers and half of them were married anyway. All true. There was even a particular single one who looked like he was homeless. Amazing. Guess who got paired up with him?
I’m going to be single forever.
Some day, Barbados…. Some day….