My friend Joel is an incredibly talented song writer. (He also has biceps of steel). When he gets his a$s in gear and develops a website or Facebook page I’ll give you the link. But until then, he’s letting me share some of the lyrics to my 2nd favorite song:
“Crazy girl, crazy girl
Just go home
Why you in my window?
And why you on my phone?
You tell me you love me
You’re everywhere I roam
Crazy girl, crazy girl
Just go home…”
I love it. The song goes on to talk about how she makes a voodoo doll of him and stalks him when he’s on dates with other people. Yeah, yeah. We get it. Girls are crazy. And some of us don’t hide it. But like we discussed in Part 1 – it’s because you make us that way. I could have this conversation all day. But the more important question is: why doesn’t anyone ever talk about guys that do crazy sh*t? I know you don’t think it’s because they don’t…
Case in point #1. I just got a wink from a guy that goes to my gym. Seemingly harmless, but he’s gone to my gym for 7 years. He’s asked me out before – in person. Incidentally he’s also hit on and asked out every other girl in our gym without a ring on her finger for the past 7 years. (All those hours on the stair climber allow for a lot of observation). So… if I turned you down in person and I continue to ignore you, walk the other way, or politely put my headphones back in my ears any time you are within a 10 foot radius of me, what makes you think I am going to wink back at you on the internet!? YOU are going to be single forever, sir.
Case in point #2. I would not have believed it if I had not seen it myself. Guess who winked at me today??? Oh yes. Our very favorite, creeper-extrordinaire – TwinkleToes. Several things here. First of all, I did not engage in conversation with you 6 months ago, nor did I show even the slightest amount of interest. Any of the 14 times you tried to wink at, email, or IM me. What in this person’s mind makes him think I’ve changed my mind? Because I’m still on here 6 months later so I’m that much more desperate that he might have a shot now? I don’t know if this rational sounds worse for him… or for me…. (BTW – stay tuned for a post about the relationship between desperation and online-dating. It’s coming). But second, and more importantly, you remember that I BLOCKED THIS PERSON FROM CONTACTING ME, right?? WTF website!!!!!! If encouraging stalking is something that you promote, then I think we’ve got a potential lawsuit here. And it just so happens I know a lot of lawyers. NOT including TwinkleToes.
And #3. Because I know you’ve been on the edge of your chair wondering if I ever got an answer as to how I got Busted. Why yes, yes I did. A 1,120 word essay, to be exact. As much as I wanted to copy/paste the whole thing it was just too long. Here are the more relevant paragraphs. You’llLikeThis:
“And how I made the connection between your blog and your profile on here had nothing to do with your pictures, Facebook, or any of your friends. In case you were curious, I don’t know your real name, your address, your phone number, your social security number, etc. And don’t worry, your top-secret, anonymous, online-dating identity is safe with me. I’m not gonna tell anybody. Because if everyone could link ThePerpetualBachelorette and your profile together, you may stop writing it. And that would be a crying shame!
Okay, just so you don’t think I’m a terribly scary stalker or a psychotic serial killer, here’s the long, sordid tale of how I made the connection:
I discovered your blog late last year. I was reading an article on fitness and nutrition on a magazine’s website. I then saw a link on that page for an article about online dating. Naturally, I clicked over since I was familiar with that circus. In the comments section after that article, people were recommending some of their favorite blogs on this subject. Yours was one of them.
After reading some of your hilarious stories about all of the interaction you had with so many, um, “soul mates” and “Prince Charmings” who were badgering you on here, I got very curious. I thought it would be quite entertaining to view some of their profiles because they would surely read like a guide on what not to do. I figured you were on match.com based on how you were describing your experience with the site in your blog. And even though you mentioned that you altered their screen names, I thought it was worth a shot to crack your code because uproarious comedic material was bound to be on the other side. It didn’t take me long. After changing the “zero” to the letter “o” in one of them, I got one to hit. Um, how are you not engaged to this a$sclown yet? Didn’t he have you at “lol I can honestly say i dont read unless its on Facebook or a car magazine” in his Last Read section?!? Yes, I was laughing pretty hard at his profile.
I certainly wasn’t expecting to find you on here, but after perusing a couple dozen profiles for sh*ts and giggles, I stumbled upon yours as luck would have it. At first, I didn’t make the connection. But after reading your profile and rereading your username, it hit me, especially because I read your blog entry, “Oh Na Na . . . What’s My Name?” shortly before all of this. And I remembered you saying how much you loved sports, yoga, and wine and how you can’t cook in your blog. All of that was also referenced in your profile here. So, I had a hunch it was you. To find out for sure, I did email you then. But when I didn’t receive a reply, I thought that my hunch was wrong or you simply canceled your match.com subscription and never received it.
And then last week I saw that you had viewed my profile. My guess is that I showed up in your “Who’s Viewed Me” section from when I stumbled upon your profile months ago, and you then clicked over and saw my outlandish profile. That’s when I brought up ThePerpetualBachelorette and discovered that you included my opening line in your blog from March 8. My hunch was finally confirmed . . . 3 months later. And, of course, I just had to let you know!”
I…. am speechless. My friends and I are trying to decide if he’s crazy, slightly stalker-ish (despite his plea to the contrary), or just really, really bored. Either way I have to admit I found it flattering. And I also have to admit that I’m spending way more time writing this blog than I am responding to emails from guys who might actually be prospects. So give me a few days to work on that. Otherwise:
I’m going to be single forever…