Don’t judge. We’ve all gone back to a past fling, for whatever reason, regardless of the repercussions. Maybe you were lonely, maybe you were bored, maybe it’s just comfortable, or maybe it was just that good that you couldn’t give it up. But I digress. I’m supposed to be talking about a website. My reason for going back to match.com was lack of a better option. I wanted to move on, really. I also did not want to spend one more dollar to look at pictures like this:
Nice ring finger shot, Slick.
So I tried one of the free dating sites, and it was even worse. I’ll spare you the details. All you need to know is that the first person to contact me was an old, fat, bald, creepy guy who lived in my previous apartment complex. I’ve never seen him wearing anything but a wife beater and Teva sandals, and travelling only by bike. Run; don’t walk, away from this site. Hence, the recycling.
Once again I recruited a friend (and a bottle of Pinot Noir) to help me sort through the 1000 matches that had accumulated in the past 3 months. I have to preface this by telling you this friend does not have a mean bone in her body. She’s a pastor’s daughter for crying out loud, and is one of the most bubbly, happy people I know. About five profiles in, we come across Nice_Guy_Ry. As I’m rolling my eyes at the name, I pull up the picture and she blurts out, “Oh that’s why you’re nice. Because you’re ugly.” Aaaaand, we’re back!
Next up is Tinysandpirate. WHAT, exactly, is a sand-pirate? If it was any kind of sports reference, I would know. It’s not. It’s just weird. What part of that name do you think a woman would find appealing? And not for nothing, but how many times do we have to go over the fact that bigger is, in fact, better? You should not preface any name, weird or otherwise, with the word ‘tiny.’ Next up is FeelMyName1111. Well aren’t you a creative genius. Thanks, but I’d rather not. I’ll also pass on Prince_BCBG. Um…. do you mean BCBG like the women’s clothing designer?? It’s fine if you’re familiar with women’s fashion but 1) why is this the word you’re using to identify yourself? and 2) why are you wearing a wife-beater!? And while we’re ruthlessly critiquing pictures, there’s one more thing I have to mention. We can agree that most women want a man who is educated, right? But guys – there is a way to present yourself as such that does not involve posting your college graduation picture – in full-on cap & gown attire.
Did I really just pay to subject myself to the same nonsense as last time? Help, help, help. There’s got to be one. One guy in a thousand that is at least a possibility? Just as desperation was setting in (ok, fine, that was like 6 months ago), we hit my internet-dating jackpot. I’m just calling him ProjectX, because I don’t want to jinx it and also because I don’t think he really exists. He’s 6 feet tall. He has nice teeth. His profile was written in a way that makes him sound legitimately educated. Non-smoker. No kids. No bathroom mirror or gang sign pictures. And… he’s a sports agent. I don’t even care that he flaunts it by posting pictures of himself standing next to various athletes; this is a guy for me. I winked immediately, duh. But now I get to sit and wonder if he’s not responding because he’s just not interested, or if I winked at someone who doesn’t even have an active profile. Curse you, shady internet dating website.
I am going to be single forever.