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Maybe my sister will read my posts if I use KEANE songs as titles. (The best band ever).

I was listening to Is It Any Wonder? this morning, and it occurred to me that it really is no wonder that I’m single. Despite all the less-than-stellar relationship decisions I’ve made on my own, my friends have also failed painfully in their attempts to set me up. The last attempt which may have been the one that ‘broke the camel’s back’ and forced me to take the leap in to the Internet-dating world was a friend who tried to set me up with a guy from our gym. The guy, we’ll call him “Average Joe” is a friend of my friend’s brother, so he’s already got someone vouching for him as a good guy. Good start. And since he goes to my gym I got to check him out first. He’s cute. Proceed, right? So we talked in the gym a few times, mostly about working out, and then set up a date. Here are the, um, highlights:

RED FLAG #1: (during a discussion about where he went to school)
Me: Oh, so do you still watch a lot of their games on Saturdays?
Him: No, not really anymore.
Me: So you watch more NFL than college?
Him: No. I have better things to do on Sundays.
Me: !!!????????????

RED FLAG#2: (while showing me some pictures on his phone from a wedding)
Me: What are all those other pictures you have of the cats?
Him: Oh, we rescue them. We keep some of them at the house but they mostly stay outside.
Me: We…? Do you have roommates?
Him: No I live with my parents.
Me:  <bursts out laughing>
Him: <not laughing>
Me: …Oh. You were serious…

I really can’t be held accountable for that. Most guys I know would have made that comment and intended for it to be funny.  And this guy is 30 years old! Should I not have made the assumption that he no longer lived with mom and dad?  What if he wanted to invite me over?  Would she be in the kitchen making PB&J’s and lemonade while he held my hand on the couch? Please.   And the whole “guys with cats” situation will be an entire blog for another day…

RED FLAG#3: (as I’m trying to rebound from laughing in his face)
Me:  Your mom still does your laundry for you, doesn’t she…
Him:  Yup. She cooks me dinner too.
Me:  Lucky you.  What do you do with all your free time?
Him:  Eh, work.  Hang out with friends.  Go to bible study.
Me:  <bursts out laughing>
Him:  <not laughing>
Me:  Jesus, you were serious again… I mean, oops…

Disclaimer: there is nothing wrong with a guy who goes to bible study.  It’s just not typical of the single 30-yr old men that I know, and it definitely means that this person is not for me.

About a month ago, another good friend of mine, a little Cuban bombshell, started blowing up my phone with texts one Saturday.  I just HAD to come to her house to watch football, because her boyfriend’s friend was there and they really wanted me to meet him.  They thought we’d totally hit it off.  He just got back from Afghanistan and is super nice and really hot, and has a pretty badass job.  Oh, and he’s been on a ship with a bunch of guys for 6 months so he hasn’t had sex since he left.  I got in my car immediately.  And what do you know… he IS cute.  And tall.  And has nice teeth.  And likes sports.  And can hold an intelligent conversation.  AND referenced my favorite line from my favorite episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Jackpot!!!  I couldn’t stay long because I had to go back to work, but their group was going out later that night and I said I could possibly join them.  About an hour later my friend texts me to tell me the guy thought I was pretty, blah blah blah, and really wanted me to meet up with them later.  I knew I’d be stuck at work so I told her I definitely want to see him again but it will have to wait until the craziness dies down.  Her response:

“Well that’s not going to work 😦
Me:  “Why?”
Her:  “He’s leaving in a week.”
Me:  “To go back to Afghanistan!?”
Her:  “No. To go home.”
Me:  “um… where is home?”
Her:  “The west coast.”
Dude doesn’t even live in the state.  Information that would have been more useful prior to the above referenced set-up.  LB… I love you… but that one broke my heart.

Which brings me to this week’s set-up attempt.  Which came from the same friend who attempted to set me up with Average Joe.  I respect and admire this friend, so I’ll give her another shot.  All she kept telling me was that this guy is “SO nice!”  Well… that’s great… but if I was only going for “nice,” I could have been married with 6 babies by now.  <ick>.  So I asked her if I could at least see a picture first.  She brings up one of his Facebook pictures and prefaces it by telling me he looks better in person.  Yeah, yeah… don’t we all…  I’m keeping an open mind, I promise.  Until I see the picture.  He is a ginger.  No, no no!!!  We learned that lesson the hard way.  RED means STOP.

KEANE, maybe you are right… Love is just a lyric in a children’s rhyme….

I’m going to be single forever.

TPB

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