What A Girl Wants

Tags

50 shades of grey, david beckham, sex and the city

It has been brought to my attention that perhaps I focus too much on the negative.  i.e.:  This guy has cats, this guy has bad teeth, this guys has kids, etc.  I prefer to call it “weeding out,” but I understand where the lectures are coming from.  I have to tell you though, when I sign on to the website and have pictures like this staring me in the face, the words that come to mind do not include “potential,” “promising,” or “possibility.”

 

Other immediate turn-offs include the following:

Are you going to want to ride this more than me?   Hmmm….

 

Unless you are at a Texas football game, this is an unnecessary gesture.

Always the fish…….. I just don’t get it………..

This is one of hundreds of examples I had to choose from.  Somewhere along the way guys were given the advice that even if you don’t have children of your own, you should put pictures of yourself with other people’s children to make you look more…. I don’t even know… marketable?  I find it more disturbing than endearing.

…..<speechless>……

Even Paul Pierce failed to make ”Tebow-ing” look cool last week.  So I don’t mean to sound negative, but what other reaction can you possibly have when these pictures speak louder than words?  And you excitedly check your internet-dating email only to find that the lone message in your inbox is from someone who calls himself ‘dumbjerk’ ?

All of this begs the question – what DO I want?  At some point in time every woman asks herself this question; and in the deepest, darkest parts of our souls we know the answer.  And everyone’s answer is different.  Can you imagine if we all wanted the same exact thing?  Poor David Beckham would have to live out the rest of his days in some secret undetectable underground lair.  I’m kidding.  Sort of.  I’m sure there are women out there who don’t find him to be the most appealing man alive.  (To those women… perhaps you did not watch this year’s superbowl commercials): 

But this is what I find fascinating.  Unless you were Posh Spice in a former life, you realize that the expectation of ending up with David Beckham is a bit…  farfetched.  However, we still know deep down what it is we really want.  What will truly make us happy.  Sometimes we don’t even admit these things to our friends.  Even worse, sometimes we don’t let ourselves accept them.  I had a girlfriend tell me once, “I just would never date a school teacher because they don’t make enough money.”  And ya know what?  I admire her for her honesty.  Because there are some women who think those things but just won’t admit them.  And they end up settling.  They say things like, “I want someone who’s nice that I can trust who will treat me well….”  Blah, blah.  Obviously I don’t want to be with a mean person, but nice by itself doesn’t give me an orgasm.  And on my list of priorities, that’s pretty high up there.  Attraction is important.  If you are not attracted to your partner, at some point in this lifetime unless you are a hermit you will run in to someone who you are attracted to.  Guess what happens then…..?

That may sound shallow to some, but I’m the only person who has to wake up every morning next to the person I choose to be with.  I think we all have a right to be picky about that decision.  If you’re looking for someone who makes 7 figures regardless of how he looks, how old he is, or how many wives he’s gone through, knock yourself out.  Maybe you truly only care that someone will be a good dad and you’re willing to be the breadwinner.  Maybe you want the most chivalrous person on the planet, a guy with a specific religious orientation, or a military man because the uniform turns you on (and you can use his discounts)… whatever your thing is – I say hold out for it.  Don’t settle.  But be open-minded.  Maybe something totally unexpected will come along.  We know Charlotte from SATC wasn’t spending her nights dreaming of a short, fat, bald guy who drips with sweat at inappropriate times.  In my dreams I picture myself with a taller guy who has nice teeth and fantastic hands, who likes sports and has a stupid sense of humor, who is willing be my biggest supporter as I attempt to change careers, who can cook (or at least be ok with the fact that I don’t).  These are all compromise-able things though.  And I’ve met a heck of a lot of guys who are good-on-paper as far as that list.  But they’re missing that one critical component.  The thing I want above all else.  Call it butterflies, call it chemistry, call it the X-factor.  I guess part of me believes in the cliché saying “you just know.”  Looks fade over time, I get that.  This is something more.  I want to still want to hold my husband’s hand when we’re 90.  When I think of settling just so I can avoid the sleeping-alone nights that suck, my inner goddess (ala Anastasia Steele) screams “I won’t, I won’t, I won’t!”  Even if it means….

I’m going to be single forever.

TPB

Cat Magnet

Tags

cats, espn, prince, tim tebow

I am a firm believer that lying and withholding the truth are equal evils.

I realize that everyone is not going to disclose every detail about themselves on one page of an internet dating profile.  But there are key questions that the website prompts you to answer that are somewhat significant.  Personal information that can’t/won’t change, and that is probably not up for debate or compromise.  For example, age and height.  You’d have to just be dumb to try to lie about either of these.  But people do.  What happens when we eventually meet face-to-face?  Um, unless you’re wearing Prince-like platforms, I’m probably going to notice that you’re interpretation of 6 feet tall is actually 5’8” according to English measurement standards.  Religion is another one of these questions.  Personally I don’t have a preference because it’s not a big part of my life, but I know that for a lot of my friends it can be a major deal breaker.  How about marital status?  Single, separated, divorced, widowed…. kind of important.  And the kids question.  This is one category of prospects that I prefer to steer clear of.  For a number of reasons.  But the point is – these are things that should be disclosed upfront. These are significant factors about a person and if they are attempting to lie or not admit to them at all, I seriously question why.

So I organized date #4.  (After all this time has it really only been 4?)  I told him the only day I was free was Saturday, and he said he was busy.  Well, fit me in anyway Casanova.  It actually worked out well because we decided to meet for an afternoon drink in between him helping a friend move and going to a professional sports game later that night.  Which means I already had an out, because he’d have to leave either way.  To be honest I wasn’t even looking forward to it.  I was bored, needed writing material, and was thinking that I might at least end up with (yet another) male friend.  It took me approximately 2.3 seconds after he walked in the door to say, “nope.”  Don’t worry; I didn’t say it out loud.  But I tried to keep an open mind.  I could at least have a conversation with the guy, right?  And then he opened his mouth.  It wasn’t what he said, which was mostly dry and unentertaining.  It was the fact that he had bad teeth.  How did I not notice that in his pictures???  Ooooh right.  Because he used the closed-mouth smile.  Sneaky.  So I’m not attracted to him, and our conversation is cliché.  ‘Where did you go to school, tell me about your job, where have you traveled, what sports do you like, etc., etc.’  I’m tired.  I just want to leave.  And I’m reminded of something one of my very best friends used to tell me when she was internet dating as often as ESPN mentions the name Tim Tebow.  I would tell her, “at least you are putting yourself out there.”  And she would say, “every time I’m stuck with one of these d-bag guys I think of how much I’d rather just be drinking wine with you.”  But she’s engaged now.  And we’re happy for her.

Moving on – I think I’m getting out of this ‘date’ when he orders a second beer.  Which means I need a second glass of wine if I’m going to have to sit here and make conversation for another 30 minutes.  Which also means I have to find ways to amuse myself.  So I start probing him for good stories about his internet dating experiences.  That goes nowhere.  I tell him some of mine just for something to talk about.  I laugh and jokingly ask, “you don’t have cats, do you?”  He responds with a deer-in-headlights expression.  Oh Lord.  Really???  Another guy with cats!?  Now I’m laughing hysterically and looking for the candid-cameras that I’m sure I’m surrounded by.  There cannot possibly be that many single men with cats in this world.  How is it that every guy I’ve managed to meet has them!?  There was an IT guy from last year, the guy who lived with his parents, the guy from the wedding who lived out of state, the guy who shaves his cats like lions, the volleyball guy with cats… come ON!  But what really pissed me off was that nowhere on this dudes profile did it mention having pets of any kind.  Are you embarrassed that you have them?  And if you’re not willing to tell me that, what else aren’t you willing to tell me?  Oh – and he let me split the check with him.  I was going to let that go because he probably figured out there wasn’t going to be a date #2 so he could throw chivalry out the window.  But he texted me about 2 hours later saying, “I forgot that what I hate about coming to these games is that the beers are so expensive!”

I was really tempted to write back, “Well at least you can afford it since you didn’t have to pay for my drinks this afternoon  :)  Meow”

I am going to be single forever.

TPB

Always a Bridesmaid

Tags

bachelorette party, bridal shower, bridesmaids

I have a tentative date this weekend, but other than that I have no online dating updates for you.  I’m kind of over it.  They’re all the same, and not my type.  The guys that I wink at who look promising don’t respond.  Maybe because they’re not even active anymore?  Or maybe because my hair isn’t blonde and my boobs are real?  Who knows.  But the one thing I do know is that if I ever find The One, we’re getting married in a courthouse and spending a week in Barbados doing only one thing.  Well, maybe two.  Being on beach vacations makes me crave margaritas so we may have to pause for a drink.

Last weekend I was a bridesmaid in my best friend’s wedding.  We live in different states now, so I got out of the bridal shower and bachelorette party obligations.  I’m sorry-  I love my friends, but I don’t ever need to drink out of a straw shaped like a pen!s.  I am not interested in wearing a button that says “Kiss Me I’m Still Single!”  And I find it really uncomfortable to walk around in public in a group of 15 girls following around a girl wearing a veil and a sash and asking random men in bars for a condom because it’s something on some stupid list that she’s supposed to complete on her “last night out as a single girl.”   Really?  That’s how you want to spend your last night out before you get married?  I question your judgment.  And perhaps your sanity.  And I question my own sanity as to why I continue to go to bridal showers.  Again, I love my friends and I’m truly happy for them when they get engaged.  But I don’t need to watch you open pots and pans, strainers, and new bed sheets, and new forks.  What were you using before!??  And how on Earth do they manage to act surprised and excited when they open these gifts, since they picked them out themselves to put them on the registry in the first place!?  None of these traditions make any sense to me.  If I get married, we can all drink out of the new wine glasses you’ll buy for me.  (You can never have enough of those, right?).  But I won’t make you watch me rip the wrapping paper off the box they came in first.

Maybe the good thing about being the last of your friends to get married is that you learn a lot about how to do things, and things not to do.  You learn that some things require way too much time, money, and effort, and the things that actually are important get lost in the process.  You learn that ‘the little details’ that are important only to the bride and that she stresses over for months prior to the day end up going unnoticed by everyone.  Including her.  Because on the big day she’s too busy saying hello and goodbye to all her guests and posing for pictures to notice what kind of flowers are in the centerpieces.  I’ll tell you what I noticed though.  My dress.  Which was purple.  Apparently the actual color is “Lapis,” but I refuse to refer to it as such.  It was PURPLE.  Complete with purple shoes.  As in – I looked like a giant purple crayon.  And the dress ripped before the ceremony even started.  No – not because I ate too much at the rehearsal dinner.  It ripped because I may have been attempting to do squats is the brides room before the wedding because the church was freezing and I was stuck in a strapless dress without the option of putting on a sweater.  It seemed like a practical idea at the time.  And we all know it doesn’t really matter because I’ll never wear the dress again.  Ever.  I also feel like the popular saying that “rain on your wedding day is a sign of good luck” is really just something made up to say to the bride when it rains on her wedding day to talk her down off the ledge.  Because it just really sucks.  In order to try to save some money my friend decided to make her own wedding favors.  She baked hundreds of little cookies to put them in tiny boxes and bought ribbon to tie bows on the boxes.  Guess what she and I did the day before the wedding?  Yup.  Spent 3 hours putting them all together.  Ya know what I’m not doing the day before my wedding?  That.  Nor would I subject any of my friends to such nonsense.  But my friend did decide to spend money on a DJ.  She had a small wedding so it ended up being really pointless.  Even for larger weddings though, why not just make your own playlist on itunes and plug it in to some speakers?  Oh – I’m forgetting the best part.! Single bridesmaids are usually curious about the groomsmen they are going to be paired up with.  I was told before the fact that I would not be interested in any of them, as they were all smokers and half of them were married anyway.  All true.  There was even a particular single one who looked like he was homeless.  Amazing.  Guess who got paired up with him?

I’m going to be single forever.

TPB

Some day, Barbados…. Some day….

I Want My Money Back

Tags

match emails

I want my money back.

Last night I got the following email, prefaced by this opening line by “The Website”
Just so you know, this is BeachGuy21’s only VIP Email  of the week, and he chose to send it to you!

Ooh.  VIP Email.  What’s this all about?  I guess I’m supposed to feel special.  But I’ll let you decide.  Here it is.  As always, verbatim minus locations:

Hi there!

Well I hope your day is going very well for you. I really enjoyed your profile. You seem like a very honest, sincere, good-hearted, and down to earth person. Here is a lil about me… I am 31 yrs old originally from the midwest but grew up in the south. I work in property management and in the process of obtaining my real estate license to go along with my CAM license for management. I recently had to step down from coaching baseball (which is a passion of mine) to focus on my career more.

Like any guy and I really into sports. I grew up playing baseball through little league, high school, college, and was lucky enough to play a few year of professional ball in a minor league system. I pretty much enjoy most sports, love to go to any sporting event. I love to play golf and baseball (still). Right now I play in an adult softball league twice a week. Other then sports I enjoy music and going to concerts. I love to go to low key bars and listen to some live music. I also enjoy boating, fishing, chillen by the pool, shopping, BBQs, family, naps, relaxing, traveling. I am always up for new things and getting out of my comfort zones.

I am say I am a very ambitious person with it comes to my career and relationships in live. I am a huge family man and hope to have one of my own one day. I am a very easy going laid back person with old fashion manners and family values. Well I think that is enough of this long winded email lol. But I would love to hear you and get to know more about you. Hope I was able to spark your interest a bit, and hope to hear back from you

After getting past the grammatical errors and use of the world “lil” by someone who allegedly has a pen!s, I couldn’t help myself.  I responded with this:
“Do you get many responses from your ‘VIP’ emails? This is the first time I’ve seen one of these (so i think i’m supposed to be flattered?) but it looks like just a form email that you cut and paste. Is that how it works?”

His response:
“Well to be honest is all I did was send you an email and match put it in the format for some reason. No clue on how to even put an email in this VIP thing. I actually would expect to to be flattered by it at all. I don’t really see the difference between it and a regular email.  I emailed you because I thought you seemed a cool gal worth getting to know. If the feeling is not mutual then there is nothing I can do and wish ya all the luck.”

Wow.  Apparently I need luck finding a guy who uses spell check.  And wow, the shady website strikes again.  What a joke.  They let guys write these generic form emails that say nothing personal what-so-ever, or even imply in the slightest way that they looked at your profile, and then they send to you as his ‘VIP’ pick for the week.   That’s about as flattering as the kid in the check-out line at the grocery store last week who told me I looked 26.  When I said, “thanks!” he said, “well I know you always guess younger.”    …<sigh>

Also of note this week is that I got matched with a guy that one of my friends already tried to set me up with 2 months ago.  Under the pets category, he answered only “I like dogs.”  Really?  You didn’t feel the need to disclose that you have two cats?  And you shave them so that they look like lions….?   Yup.  True story.  I couldn’t make that up if I tried.  It’s also a perfect example of false advertising.  How many times do we have to stress that withholding the truth and lying are the same thing?

I also got matched with a guy who is the brother of a new friend of mine.  She and her husband just moved here from out of state, and we met through mutual friends at our gym.  Her brother is ridiculously good looking, and apparently quite smart and quite normal.  So I winked at him.  And he viewed my profile.  And did not wink back or email.  Great.  That won’t be awkward when I meet him in person, which is pretty much inevitable.  I’m totally ready for a refund.

I’m going to be single forever.
TPB

The Blog Made Me Do It

Tags

kelly clarkson, the year of yes

In keeping with the crazy theme, I did another crazy thing.

But this time it was 100% intentional.  It was not something I would normally ever do, and I knew it was ridiculous as I was doing it.  But I thought – hey, I can write about it, and it could be a really funny story.  And if anyone ever calls me out on my crazy-ness, I can just say, “the blog made me do it.”  It was for entertainment and research purposes.  The blog gives me an excuse to do things. It’s like my own version of liquid-courage… without the extra calories.  I kinda like this idea.

I’ve gone to the same gym for about 8 years.  In that time, it’s gotten me a whopping two dates and a lot of good friends.  Time for a change, perhaps.  So I cancelled my membership.  Last week it officially ended.  And on the last day I was there, working on sprint intervals like a crazy-person at 6am, listening to Kelly Clarkson tell me that what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, I happened to zone in on a guy that I usually see most mornings.  He was doing some ab exercises and just happened to lift his shirt to wipe off his face at the exact time I looked over.  Um, when did this guy that I’ve seen 100 times before become sexy?  Perfect timing for me to decide to be interested, seeing as how this was my last day in that gym and I’d probably never see him again.  What to do…?  The only thing a sane, slightly bored, blog-writing single girl should do.  Write your name and number on a post it, and tell the girl at the front desk to give it to him.  (I told her to ask if he was single first, of course).  She looked at me like I was insane.  Its been a few days and I have no idea if she actually did it or not.  I guess I’ll know if I get a random call or text from someone named Will.  Which, by the way, is the only thing I know about him.

Over the weekend I was at my favorite non-chain coffee shop doing some homework and minding my own business.  The only table left was a slightly bigger one, but I needed the room for my ipad, laptop, and textbook so I took it.  About 30 minutes after I started working, this old man rode in and asked if he could park at my table.  Yes, rode in.  He was in one of those electronic wheelchair contraptions.  Of course I told him he could.  He was so old and innocent and I felt bad for him.  But I really had a lot to do and was clearly trying to focus, and he wanted to chat.  He asked me a few questions and I answered politely but briefly.  He told me he was 70 years old, separated from his wife, and had two daughters around my age who were successful but lived away from him.  He wouldn’t stop talking and I didn’t want to be rude so I had to get up and leave or I was never going to get anything done.  As I was throwing my bag over my shoulder he says, “so, can I buy you a glass of wine sometime?”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a book out that my friends keep ‘suggesting’ that I read.  It’s called The Year of Yes.  Apparently it is about a single girl who is told she might be “too picky.”  So she agrees that for 1 year she will say yes to any person who asks her out on a date.  Rich, poor, short, tall, young, old.  It sounds like an interesting concept that could make for some good stories and help me keep an open mind.  And I’m getting really in to using the blog as an excuse to do things I normally wouldn’t.  But I looked this old man in the face and just said “no.”  No excuse, no reasons.  Just no.  I’d rather sit home alone every Friday night for the next year waiting for Will to call.

I’m going to be single forever.

TPB

Hide the Crazy, 2

Part 2

My friend Joel is an incredibly talented song writer.  (He also has biceps of steel).   When he gets his a$s in gear and develops a website or Facebook page I’ll give you the link.  But until then, he’s letting me share some of the lyrics to my 2^nd favorite song:

“Crazy girl, crazy girl
Just go home
Why you in my window?
And why you on my phone?
You tell me you love me
You’re everywhere I roam
Crazy girl, crazy girl
Just go home…”

I love it.  The song goes on to talk about how she makes a voodoo doll of him and stalks him when he’s on dates with other people.  Yeah, yeah.  We get it.  Girls are crazy.  And some of us don’t hide it.  But like we discussed in Part 1 – it’s because you make us that way.  I could have this conversation all day.  But the more important question is: why doesn’t anyone ever talk about guys that do crazy sh*t?  I know you don’t think it’s because they don’t…

Case in point #1.  I just got a wink from a guy that goes to my gym.  Seemingly harmless, but he’s gone to my gym for 7 years.  He’s asked me out before – in person.  Incidentally he’s also hit on and asked out every other girl in our gym without a ring on her finger for the past 7 years.   (All those hours on the stair climber allow for a lot of observation).  So… if I turned you down in person and I continue to ignore you, walk the other way, or politely put my headphones back in my ears any time you are within a 10 foot radius of me, what makes you think I am going to wink back at you on the internet!?   YOU are going to be single forever, sir.

Case in point #2.  I would not have believed it if I had not seen it myself.  Guess who winked at me today???  Oh yes.  Our very favorite, creeper-extrordinaire –  TwinkleToes.  Several things here.  First of all, I did not engage in conversation with you 6 months ago, nor did I show even the slightest amount of interest.  Any of the 14 times you tried to wink at, email, or IM me.  What in this person’s mind makes him think I’ve changed my mind?  Because I’m still on here 6 months later so I’m that much more desperate that he might have a shot now?  I don’t know if this rational sounds worse for him… or for me….  (BTW – stay tuned for a post about the relationship between desperation and online-dating.  It’s coming).   But second, and more importantly, you remember that I BLOCKED THIS PERSON FROM CONTACTING ME, right??  WTF website!!!!!!   If encouraging stalking is something that you promote, then I think we’ve got a potential lawsuit here.  And it just so happens I know a lot of lawyers.  NOT including TwinkleToes.

And #3.  Because I know you’ve been on the edge of your chair wondering if I ever got an answer as to how I got Busted.  Why yes, yes I did.  A 1,120 word essay, to be exact.  As much as I wanted to copy/paste the whole thing it was just too long.  Here are the more relevant paragraphs.  You’llLikeThis:

“And how I made the connection between your blog and your profile on here had nothing to do with your pictures, Facebook, or any of your friends. In case you were curious, I don’t know your real name, your address, your phone number, your social security number, etc. And don’t worry, your top-secret, anonymous, online-dating identity is safe with me. I’m not gonna tell anybody. Because if everyone could link ThePerpetualBachelorette and your profile together, you may stop writing it. And that would be a crying shame!

Okay, just so you don’t think I’m a terribly scary stalker or a psychotic serial killer, here’s the long, sordid tale of how I made the connection:

I discovered your blog late last year. I was reading an article on fitness and nutrition on a magazine’s website. I then saw a link on that page for an article about online dating. Naturally, I clicked over since I was familiar with that circus. In the comments section after that article, people were recommending some of their favorite blogs on this subject. Yours was one of them.

After reading some of your hilarious stories about all of the interaction you had with so many, um, “soul mates” and “Prince Charmings” who were badgering you on here, I got very curious. I thought it would be quite entertaining to view some of their profiles because they would surely read like a guide on what not to do. I figured you were on match.com based on how you were describing your experience with the site in your blog. And even though you mentioned that you altered their screen names, I thought it was worth a shot to crack your code because uproarious comedic material was bound to be on the other side. It didn’t take me long. After changing the “zero” to the letter “o” in one of them, I got one to hit. Um, how are you not engaged to this a$sclown yet? Didn’t he have you at “lol I can honestly say i dont read unless its on Facebook or a car magazine” in his Last Read section?!? Yes, I was laughing pretty hard at his profile.

I certainly wasn’t expecting to find you on here, but after perusing a couple dozen profiles for sh*ts and giggles, I stumbled upon yours as luck would have it. At first, I didn’t make the connection. But after reading your profile and rereading your username, it hit me, especially because I read your blog entry, “Oh Na Na . . . What’s My Name?” shortly before all of this. And I remembered you saying how much you loved sports, yoga, and wine and how you can’t cook in your blog. All of that was also referenced in your profile here. So, I had a hunch it was you. To find out for sure, I did email you then. But when I didn’t receive a reply, I thought that my hunch was wrong or you simply canceled your match.com subscription and never received it.

And then last week I saw that you had viewed my profile. My guess is that I showed up in your “Who’s Viewed Me” section from when I stumbled upon your profile months ago, and you then clicked over and saw my outlandish profile. That’s when I brought up ThePerpetualBachelorette and discovered that you included my opening line in your blog from March 8. My hunch was finally confirmed . . . 3 months later. And, of course, I just had to let you know!”

I…. am speechless.  My friends and I are trying to decide if he’s crazy, slightly stalker-ish (despite his plea to the contrary), or just really, really bored.  Either way I have to admit I found it flattering.  And I also have to admit that I’m spending way more time writing this blog than I am responding to emails from guys who might actually be prospects.  So give me a few days to work on that.  Otherwise:

I’m  going to be single forever…

TPB

Hide the Crazy

Tags

crazy, how to lose a guy in 10 days, new girl

Part 1 of a 2 part series.

The definition of ‘crazy’ is subject to interpretation, but regardless of what yours is, I’m pretty you don’t want the label. None of us do.

Here is my thought process on the subject though:
Every girl is crazy.  Every single one of us.  All to different extents.  But – the ones that can actually admit it are the lesser evil.

What do I mean?  Think How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.  Love ferns.  Tampons in his bathroom after 3 dates. Photo albums of imaginary children.  Or maybe crazy like Jess from New Girl who sings songs to herself all day and still wears overalls.  Or maybe you do other crazy things like calling six times in a row before getting a response, “accidentally on purpose” showing up at the gym/grocery store/his place of employement when you know he’ll be there, being vicious and violent in order to get attention, “forgetting” to take your pill, or flying to NYC to see someone the morning after you had a dream about him in which you visualized he was The One.  (In my defense, I have only done one of those things, one time, and it has made for a really good story ever since).  But like Kate Hudson’s character from the movie, sometimes the girls that do this extreme stuff don’t see anything wrong with it.  Yikes.  And then there is the other kind of crazy.  The kind that most of us will admit to ourselves while we’re doing it that it’s a little nuts.  Facebook stalking.  Going through his phone. Ignoring red flags.  Having too much tequila and turning in to an emotional hot-mess. Having panic attacks when we don’t get immediate responses to text messages.  (I suggest you Come Back Down).

Like I said, we don’t want to be crazy.  But sometimes past experiences or relationships condition us to be paranoid or have doubts.  So we do our best to hide it – at least from the guys.  We vent ad-nauseam to our girlfriends.  We cry, scream, drink, run, or work it out on a yoga mat to maintain some level of control.  And when we’re in front of him we just smile, and laugh, and pretend that we didn’t drive past his parents house last night to confirm that he really was there for dinner.

I’m getting to the point.  I also feel like despite the potential stigma, sometimes you have to take a risk.  Sometimes you have to do something crazy.  Break a rule, or several.  Whether it’s to find a relationship, get your dream job, or you just feel like doing something different because you’re bored.  So I did.  One of my recent matches was someone who calls himself Bullseyes.  (How there can be multiple bulls-eyes, I’m not quite sure).  But that’s not the point.  I looked at his pictures.  Eh – he’s ok.  I really don’t think I’d be attracted to this person in real life, but I read his profile anyway. All of the good-on-paper stuff was there.  6 feet tall.  Never married.  No kids.  Non-smoker.  And get this… he’s a Sports Psychologist.  Two of my favorite things in one job title! I immediately drafted the following email:

“Hi. I think this is breaking some kind of internet-dating rule and will probably sound crazy, but can I buy you a drink and pick your brain about your job? Even if we don’t end up being a ‘match,’ I think what you do sounds fascinating and I would love to hear more about it. Thoughts?

Yes, I used an emoticon. I think it was an appropriate time and place for one. But even if this guy writes back to my email that is clearly not hiding my crazy, it’s only going to help my career.

I’m still going to be single forever.

TPB

Busted

Tags

sex and the city

I was scrolling through my internet dating emails with the usual subject headings like, “Hi,”  “Hey,”  or “Hey there!”  Sometimes you get the more adventurous, “I’m a runner too,” “What yoga studio do you go to?”  or “Your eyes are beautiful” (yeah, yeah, I know….).  Or, my favorite, the very original, “No Subject.” …  Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling… and then I see, “Thanks For The Mention.”

…Oh sh*t.  Who did I offend??  But the email was not a lecture about how I’m too judgmental and my standards are too high and I deserve to be single forever.  It says the following, and I am cutting/pasting verbatim because it was that awesome:

“Hey there!  Thanks for including my opening line in your blog.  I got quite the kick out of seeing it in there.  And for the record, I am not a comedian!  I’m just a skeptical smart-ass who also thinks he’s going to be single forever.  By the way, I love your blog!  It always makes me laugh.  Keep up the good work.  And good luck to you!  As you already know, we both will need a ton of it on a dating site like this.”

Wow.  Thanks!   But… what on Earth?   I obviously saw this person’s pictures, and he lives in my city, but I have no idea who he is.  Exactly how did he make the connection between my pictures, my dating screen name, and theperpetualbachelorette?  I don’t mention my screen name or my city when I write, which was in an effort to remain anonymous.  (Until a publisher offers me a book deal and I can quit my job and be Carrie-Bradshaw-famous).  And I definitely don’t mention my blog in my dating profile.  What would I say?  “Hi, my name is…  I love sports, I don’t cook, and I don’t believe in internet dating but I’m doing it to write a blog and make fun of how ridiculous some of you are.  Here’s the link.  Check it out!”    I already have trouble dating.  Pretty sure that would sabotage my efforts.  Maybe he saw the blog link posted on one of my friends Facebook pages?  But it would still be hard to make the connection.

So I wrote back and asked him.  And he hasn’t written back.  Come on, man.  Don’t Houdini.  Lets talk about this.  Maybe get together and write a he said / she said column?  I know you have time.  You said it yourself:

We’re going to be single forever.

TPB

Houdini

Tags

houdini, sex and the city, the usual suspects

For the past 3 months, I had been getting almost daily emails from the website enticing me to come back.  For example:

“15 men checked you out this week!”

“He’s interested in you! Enroll now to find out who!”

“He emailed you! Click here to read his email”

“Someone likes your photo!”

My, aren’t I the popular one…   It’s funny though – now that I’ve been back on the site for a week this onslaught of admirers seems to have disappeared. Houdini’d, if you will.

Seriously this whole entire thing is a scam.  You can see a running list of anyone who’s viewed your profile, and it appears that the same guys keep checking me out on a daily basis.  Oh, and 14 of the 15 are the same ones that have been on the site since I started 6 months ago.  I did have a few new winks that looked interesting so I winked back, but nothing further from these guys.  What happened to them?  Their membership expired?  They found someone? The shady website ‘accidentally’ winked for them to make me think there are more available men in existence than there really are?

Not responding to a wink on an internet-dating website is one thing, but houdini-ing in real life is completely different.  And completely messed up.  And it happens all the time.  Consider this scenario.  Boy meets girl.  Boy and girl start texting.  Every day.  All day.  With emoticons and LOL’s.  Girl is giddy.  Boy and girl go on a date. More texting.  Girl really, really likes him.  Boy and girl go on a few more dates.  Girl is smitten.  More texting, maybe it even gets suggestive.  Girl is falling.  Then they sleep together, or in some cases maybe it doesn’t even go that far.  But then he doesn’t text the next day.  She keeps looking at her phone like it’s broken.  She finally texts him.  No response.  If she’s a little more intense, maybe she texts and calls like 6 more times.  Which she has every right to do, but you know how this story ends.

I just don’t get it.  You know that everyone – everyone – has their phone on them at all times.  I’m pretty sure its even acceptable now to have it out on the table during dinner.  Maybe there are a few professionals who can’t respond immediately (like when they’re performing surgery or running up and down a basketball court or something), but you’re already aware of those constraints.  When a guy doesn’t respond to a text, it’s intentional.  Fine, we get it.  But that’s not  nice.  Would it be that hard for you to just send one last goodbye text (or, gasp, pick up the phone?) just to say, “hey I’m sorry I thought this might work but it’s just not going to.”  It’s sooo easy for you to text obsessively when you first meet someone and be all cute with your  :P and  ;) faces.  And you have the balls to start sending texts like “I can’t wait to  <insert dirty phrase>” when you think she’s finally going to let you get in her pants.  But when you want to end it, instead of typing one last impersonal text, you just disappear.  You vanish in to thin air like Keyser Soze.  And like that…. you’re gone.  And she has no idea why.  So she starts texting you obsessively, and calling, and emailing, and Facebook stalking.  And then you say, “man this chick is crazy.”

…Well I wonder why, idiot!   I’m not saying you have to give her some long-winded sentimental speech about why you’re just-not-that-in-to-her.  (Although you should).  All I’m saying is that if you were just honest, just once, from the beginning, you’d spare both parties involved more of the headache and/or heartache that ensues.  We hated Aiden for breaking up with Carrie on a post-it, but at least she wasn’t calling hospitals and jails like a crazy person thinking there could be one last possible explanation for a disappearing act.

What was it that I started talking about?  Oh yes – my admirers that have houdini’d. Which reminds me:

I’m going to be single forever.

TPB

Running Diary

Tags

bill simmons, breaking bad, headlines, lady gaga

Thanks for the idea, Bill Simmons.  Congrats on the Obama interview.  You’re kind of a big deal…

A running commentary, since I’m working alone this evening… these are the thoughts that go through my head as I’m searching for a potential future father for my children that I am still undecided as to whether or not I want to have:

HEADLINES:

“I gotta quit drinking” – I’ve heard that one before (ahem, JP).  I say keep at it buddy.  I can’t imagine your dating calendar is filling up if that’s the phrase you use to describe yourself.   

“Cats are so adorable” – Come ON!!!!  Really!?

“I respect your opinion, but…”   -Does it matter what comes after the “but?” 

“Dr Phil dared me to do it  ”  -You….. Watch Dr. Phil?

“An explorer on the trail of life.”  -I will be exploring elsewhere.

“Cancelled membership.  Don’t need this site.”   -I am at a loss…as is the rest of the online dating world, apparently.

“Stable and established for my age”   -Minus the beer you’re holding in your primary profile picture?

“I thank God every day for the….”    No.

“Hoping to meet someone genuine before my friends find this and blackmail me..”  –Ha.  Start writing a blog.  It’s a really good excuse when you’re caught 

“Anyone sane?  LOL”   -LOL’s are like emoticons… there is limit on how many you can use.  More so for guys.  There is a time and a place, and it’s not every other sentence.  Putting it in your headline is a clear indication that you abuse it.  And also it makes you sound like a teenage girl.  Lol! 

“Unphotogenic guy looking for a good girl”  -yup

SCREEN NAMES:

“MustHavSkillz”  –Are you Jesse from Breaking Bad, yo?

“Jailtimeforher” – Please tell me I am reading this wrong?

“PuravidaRsq” – Someone’s been to Costa Rica!  So why couldn’t you have used a picture from your trip instead of the one on your iphone in front of your bathroom mirror!?

“BackInTheSaddle” – aka…. Ihavebaggage  ?

“FrmrProWrestler” – Eew what if he has that cauliflower ear thing!?

MISCELLANEOUS:

White sunglasses:  – Just….. NO.

Age:  54:   ……?  How does this even show up on my screen?  My FATHER is 54 for the love of G0d!!!  

“My political views: I LOVE THE GAYS.”   –And I love YOU!  What a refreshingly awesome answer.

“Why does everybody have at least one picture of their dogs?”   Amen, sir.  And I’m not even religious. 

“Have kids: Yes, they sometimes live at home (1)”  – Which means I will not ever be visiting your home, which means I should probably just delete you now.

“Good God! Being on this site is like being on a StairMaster . . . because it’s EXHAUSTING!”  -Now that’s an opening line.  Really too bad I’ve exhausted my tolerance for comedians…

“I’m not sold on the idea that online dating actually works. However, I am 35 and going to bars to meet girls at this age reminds me too much of an Uncle I had who drove a Corvette and wore a mustache. Not to mention the fact that most of my friends are married. So here I am.”  -I don’t think you’re my type at all, but I’m winking at you because that’s amazing. 

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out? ~Dr. Seuss”   - Note to self:  Borrow this headline.  (Although I’m not entirely sure this was said by Dr. Seuss and not Lady Gaga).

But do I really have to stand out by being single forever…?

TPB